Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hello, my Lovely,

In my last letter to you, I talked about how grateful I am for what you did for me and how proud I am of the strong woman you’ve become.

In this letter, I want to talk about all the beautiful things you did for me and how you shaped the person I am today, because without you, I wouldn’t be here today.

People always say how beautiful healing is and how amazing it feels, but fuck that. It’s horrible. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, and it feels like dying. In the end, that’s what you did for me. You died so that I could rise. You sacrificed everything you knew and everything you were so that I could have a chance to shine. I guess, in the end, you did kill yourself. You just didn’t kill your body, you killed the version of yourself that was hurting you.

Did we really win? Did we make it out of this together? I think yes. Because even though you don’t exist in the same way you used to, I still carry you with me in my heart. I still try to honour you and do little things for you, like buy you flowers and listen to you when you feel like the world is being unfair. You may not be visible to the world, but to me, you’re one of the realest things that have ever existed because, without you, there would be no me.

When you decided that you wanted to change and when you decided that you wanted to become a better person (even if it was for your boyfriend at the time), you decided that you would take all the burdens on, take all the hate and the hurt that had always been given to me. When you decided that you wanted to change, you took responsibility for your life and for your decisions. I think that was the first time in our lives that you did that, and look at where we are now.

Your first step to healing was being uncomfortable. It was taking on the burden of setting boundaries and making your own decisions. It was knowing that you would have to unlearn everything you knew and step into the unknown.

Even though you had no idea what that would look like, and it felt like a toddler learning to walk, you made such a big impact on your own life and you’ve changed the lives of others along the way. You’ve really stepped into being yourself, and that is… wow.

Your first challenge was taking that first step, even though your whole body was screaming for you to stop. Your body was exhausted from that first step. You were scared. Your depression was worse. Your ex-boyfriend even tried to stop you, but you kept going. You kept going when everything was telling you to stop, and you made it. After struggling with depression your whole life, you finally managed to get out. After having death as your constant companion, you finally left him behind. After never knowing what a healthy relationship looked like, you now have so many healthy relationships in your life.

And all of that just by taking it one step at a time and (mostly) resting when you needed to.

Your decision to take responsibility and make more conscious choices was your first step.

Thank you for taking it and every step after.

Lots of love,
Your Present Self