Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Dear Future,

We don’t know each other yet, and that is very scary. You could be anything. You could be a dream come true or the nightmare under the bed.

I know that I shape you. I am the one who creates you, and I am the one who decides what you look like. That just makes it so much worse. What if I have a completely different picture of myself than I truly am, and you reflect that back to me? What if I try something, and it doesn’t work? What if I try something, and it does work?

You are the one thing I have the most control over, yet it feels like you are the only thing I cannot control. You are the only thing I can influence, yet you are the only thing I feel most helpless with. You are the only thing that is still open to explore, yet you are so vast that I don’t know where to start.

Seeing how endless your possibilities are scares me. It scares me to know that you hold all of my potential, and that I just have to choose. What if I choose wrong? Will you judge me? Will you hate me? Will I hate myself in one year? In five years? In ten years?

Having no choice is so much safer. It makes it not my responsibility. I cannot be blamed for the outcome. So having a choice, being able to succeed, that is scary. Knowing there is no one else coming to my rescue but me? That is so fucking scary! What if I can’t rescue myself? What if I’m not strong enough? What if I’m not good enough?

But writing this… I get it now. I don’t have to be good enough. I don’t have to be strong enough. I don’t have to be good enough. I just have to start because, in the end, it’s you who’s going to carry the burden of my decisions. It’s you who’s going to have to deal with the consequences, and if I make the wrong decision, it’s OK, because I did the best I could with what I had at the time. You will continue to grow and gather information. You will get stronger and better with time. And I know that you will never hate me because you know that I did it with the best intention. I also know that I do not hate any version of my past self. I am grateful to every version of me that has existed, so I know that you will also love me. You will have compassion, and you will be there to pick up the pieces when I couldn’t.

I just have to start and give you the chance to grow and become who you need to become.

I promise you that I will try to honour you and my past from now on by living in the moment and trying to be the best version that I can be, so you don’t have to be, but can be.

I can’t wait to meet you, to see you, and be you!

Lots of love,
Me