Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hello, sunshine.

I don’t know where to start right now, because it’s all a bit much.
You’re asking for a bit much.

I don’t feel like I’m ready.
I’m not ready.
I can’t be.

There’s so much I don’t know.
So much I haven’t done yet.
I can’t step up.
I can’t be who you need me to be right now, because I’m so scared.

I don’t know where to start, and I can’t choose you.
I just can’t.

What if I choose the wrong path?
The wrong people?
What if I disappoint you?
What if I’m not as amazing as I think I am?
What if you’re not as successful and brilliant as I believe you will be?
What if I disappoint myself?
What if I try, and I don’t succeed?
What if I fail so badly that I can’t stand up again?
What if I never even make it in the first place?
What if I’m just not good enough?

What if. What if. What if.

It’s the “what ifs” that scare me.
It’s the uncertainty that makes me doubt everything.
And, strangely, it’s the certainty that makes me question my sanity.

I know I’m meant to do something big but I don’t know what it is.
I know I’m awesome but I don’t know why.
I know I’m going to do amazing things but I don’t know when.

I want some kind of certainty that I’m right…
But I have to live with not knowing until it reveals itself.

And the stupid thing is: I have the confirmation.
I am my confirmation.
But it’s not enough.
Because part of me still believes I’m not enough.
And I don’t know how to let that go.

Actually, I do.
I have to accept it.

I am not enough… right now.

But I can be.
And I will be.

I don’t need to have it all figured out.
It will show itself when the time is right.

I’m not enough for the things I dream of yet.
But I will be.
And when the moment comes, I’ll rise to meet it.

So the real question is:
What am I enough for right now?

I’m enough to learn.
I’m enough to choose myself.

I can do that.
Right now.
And if I do it long enough — stay with it — I’ll outgrow this version of me.
I’ll become too much for this chapter and ready for the next.

Maybe that’s the key, isn’t it?
You can be not enough, too much, and just right all at once.

I’m too much for my past.
I’m enough for my present.
I’m not enough yet for my future.

I am not enough… yet.

And maybe that “yet” is what we’ve been missing.
No one ever taught us that part — that we could grow into being enough.

So that’s what I choose now.
I choose to grow.

Because I am enough for this moment.
But I want to be more.

I want to be too much for the person I used to be.
I want to grow so that I can take the next step.
I want to grow to become one step closer to you.

With love,
Me.