Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

My lovely, innocent soul,

I was asked today, “What part of me am I grieving the most?” And it’s you. The thing is, I’m not grieving you because you’re still a part of me. You’re still inside, still able to play. You’re still this joyous little bundle of hope, and I am so in awe of you. I am in awe of how you survived so many unfair and dangerous situations. I am in awe of how resilient you are! I am in awe of how much joy you can hold.

Yet, at the same time, I am so angry for you! I am so angry for how you were treated and what was taken away from you! I am angry for how you had to survive when you were supposed to just live and explore. I am angry for you because you should have been protected, not forced to protect.

I realise, as I write this, that I don’t really have the right to be angry for you. It’s in the past, and yes, I wish it had been different, but I can’t change it. I’m taking on your burden, and it’s not mine to carry anymore. The thing is, it was never supposed to be yours to carry either.

So I don’t want to give it back to you. I know you’ve carried it for longer than you needed to. I know I’ve carried it for longer than I needed to. So I will set it aside. I will set aside all the parenting that we had to do because no one else would carry that burden. I will set aside the emotional responsibility I had to manage for others. I will set aside the burden of knowing things I shouldn’t have known as a child. I will set aside the responsibility of keeping us safe when it should have been others who were doing that.

It was never our burden to carry, and we’re done carrying it. We can’t give it back to the people it was meant for, but we can choose not to let it weigh us down anymore.

I am choosing to let it go — for us. For you.

You were never angry about it, because you never truly understood, and now, it’s too late for you to be angry about it. I am choosing to let my anger go for us, because holding on to this anger would mean holding on to the burden.

Do I forgive the people who did this? I don’t think I can.

But I can let go of the anger. I can let go of still looking to the people who were supposed to be there for me. I can let go — for you.

Today I choose to love and honour you.

Lots of love,
Me, the fighter