Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hello you,

I dont know what to say.. the last few days have been crazy really. Since the parting of my inner child I have felt free. I have felt more myself than I ever have. I don’t even know if I have the words for it.

What I do know is, that it was the right decision to release my inner child. She needed to be free of me and honestly I needed to find my own way. Its crazy to not have her anymore. She was always my safety. she was always the person that knew what was coming next. She saw the patterns of my situation and knew what would be coming and could prepare for it. I don’t have that because where I am now is completely new for me.

I am scared of whats coming next, because I don’t know whats next. I cant prepare. I cant use armor to protect myself. I have to really trust in myself to know what to do when the situation arises and that… that’s next level shit…

not knowing what next and not having a way back. that’s… that’s… i don’t even know what it is… I think its courage with a hint of crazy mixed with genius? I don’t know…

I honestly don’t know. I hate not knowing. knowing was my armour. knowing was what protected me. it was my comfort. it was my way of living. I was always the smartest person in the room, even when I didn’t know it.. and now? I am the dumbest person in my own life.

how do you even live with that? what do you even do with that?

but I do have to say. it is freeing. It is bliss of quiet beauty. I get it now… I get why smart people are usually depressed and less intelligent people seem to be happy-go-lucky.

I guess I’m one of those people now…. and I’m not even mad about it.

The thing is: I know I’m not dumb. i know I am actually quite smart. but I somehow don’t carry the burden of being smart anymore. I take the usefulness of being smart and combine it with the bliss of ignorance.

What does it even mean to be smart? Do I want to define myself as smart? i think I’m more curious than smart…

Well… i guess this is the reason why I haven’t been writing for a few days… i am in an existential crisis… I don’t know who I am right now… but I do know who I am. I am not what I was but I am who I’ve been. how does that even make sense?

how do I explain this to people without sounding crazy?

I am kinda living in the in between right now… everything is but nothing does. Everything is a paradox right now…

I know I am exactly where I am meant to be but somewhere I have never been.

I am exactly who I was supposed to be but never was.

I feel freer than I ever have been but caged by my own communication.

I think I am trying to understand something that can only be felt. and how do you explain a feeling to someone who has never seen or felt this?

I don’t know… I feel like I am just writing something here to fill a page and its not actually anything that gives anyone anything. not even me.

or does it… I mean this blog is meant to be a brain dump page for me… and this is exactly what I am doing. I am brain dumping everything on this post because I want to let it out. i want to let it go. I want to be free of the past that is holding me back. and that is what I am doing, isn’t it?

I am in this in between space. i am still somewhere between the old and the new because I have been in the old for 30 years… I cant let it go with one simple thought. so its ok to feel crazy, dumb and like I’m floating because I am. I am floating and I am somewhere in between. I am still letting go. not just of the inner child but of everything that I believed to be true and right.

Its ok to be pulled back and forth because I’m still in the in-between.

Its a process and I am right in the middle of it. I am still healing.

I need to keep trusting myself and realise: I am only human.

You are doing amazing! keep going. You’ve got this.

Lots of love

me!