Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hello you,

I honestly don’t know why I am writing… I don’t really feel like I have something to say.

Right now, I feel like I am just pretending to be someone I am not… but I am that person… I am who I am presenting to be.

I may not be her fully yet… but I am her. I guess I am stepping into being her. I am stepping into who I always wanted to be but never had the courage to show. I am stepping into who I believe I am supposed to be. Well, no, because I do not believe that we are supposed to be anything. I believe that we get to choose who we want to be.

So am I just becoming who I always wanted to be? Am I finally brave enough to show myself as the person that I always wanted to present?

I am scared… I am scared of showing myself. I am scared of taking on the role that I truly believe that I should take on. I am scared of taking the step. I am scared of leaving everything behind that I am used to. Leaving everything behind, what I have known and what gave me safety.

I know that the past has hurt me and that the past is not meant for me. But there is comfort in it. I feel like if I step into what I am becoming, then there is no going back. There is no comfort in what I am becoming. There is nothing that is known to me.

How can I feel safe in a place where I don’t know? How can I feel comfort in a place that is completely new? How can I feel secure when I know that there is no way back?

I think it was so easy for me to take the next step up until now because I knew that there was always a way back. I knew that I was still living a life that didn’t expect me to be the best version of myself, because I was safe. If I was my best version, then I was doing well. But if I was the worst version, then that was fine, because I couldn’t break anything.

I am scared of breaking or destroying what I have built if I decide to move ahead.

It’s not about not being good enough… It’s about not being allowed to be happy or have good things.

I am not allowing myself to have this… because if I fall from this place, then I will fall far. I will fall deeper than I ever have…

I am scared that I will not be able to catch myself.

But I can. I have always been there to support myself and I have always been there to build again. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to not want to take the next step. It’s okay that I am not ready. One day, I will be, and when I am, I will be waiting eagerly. I will be ready to sprint across that line and take that step, and I will do it wholeheartedly. I will do it with every fibre of my being yearning for it.

Until then, I will rest, I will wait, and I will be patient.

It’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to want to stay in comfort, because there is a reason for those feelings. I know that I will get there. I know that I am so close, and this is the last part of me that is scared. I don’t know who you are yet or how you came to be… but we will find out, and we will take that next step together.

I can’t wait to go there together with you, when you’re ready!

Lots of love,

Me