Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hello, my sweetness,

I get why you couldn’t let go of him now. It was never about him, was it?

You couldn’t let go because I abandoned you again. I pushed through and kept holding on even though you kept telling me that you didn’t want to…

You kept telling me it wasn’t right. You gave me every sign that it wasn’t right, and I ignored you again. I did what I thought was right and never considered you. I thought you were wrong. I thought you were seeing things that weren’t there – that you were projecting your fear onto him because it was different and new.

But it wasn’t. Was he as bad as you are used to? No. He was, and is, a great person in his own way. He just wasn’t the right person for me… for us. He didn’t share the same vision or the same plan. He didn’t have the same values, and he didn’t want to listen.

You were trying to help me, and I am truly grateful for that. I’m sorry for not realising it at the time. I’m sorry for needing him to drop the mask fully to accept that he was not the person for me, instead of just listening to you!

I know I made mistakes, and I know that I still have a lot to learn. I hope you can forgive me and that you can understand that I am not perfect.

I am still learning. I may be further along than you, but I am still learning.

I am working on listening to you more and trusting your and my judgement more, but it’s a process. I’m going to make a lot of mistakes along the way because we learn by making mistakes. It’s okay for me to make mistakes, just like it’s okay for you to make mistakes.

I hope that one day you can forgive me and move on because I truly want you to be happy.

In the meantime, I will work on learning more about how my body reacts to certain emotions and how to know when I want something because it is meant or good for me and when I want something because it’s an escape.

I will carry on learning so that you never have to feel this way again.

The thing is, you’re not angry at me or him. You’re angry at yourself… You’re angry at yourself for every situation that you were in that was similar. You’re angry at me because I didn’t protect you. But the thing is, it was never your job to protect yourself. It wasn’t your job to hide or run. The people that hurt you were the ones who needed to protect you. You are angry at me because you can’t be angry at them.

And that’s okay. Be as angry as you need to be, for as long as you need to be. It was a lot that happened that wasn’t supposed to happen. You’ll let go when you’re ready, and I will be there with you when you are.

I just hope you let go soon because I truly want you to be able to feel joy instead of holding on to this anger and hatred.

And be angry at me if it helps. I can take it. Just know: my arms are wide open for you when you are ready for that hug and for the love that you never received.

I truly love you.

So:

Lots and lots of love,

Me