Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

Today, I hate you.

I hate you so much that I want to hurt you. I hate you so much that I want to fall back into my food addiction. I hate you so much that I just want to give up.

What is the point of this? What is the point of trying to get better? What is the point of trying to keep going? Why should I? Why should I be the one to do this? Why do I have to keep it together? Why am I the one who has to suffer again and again? It feels like there is no end to it! It feels like I will have to keep pushing and fighting. It feels like I will never be the one who gets to be happy — and that’s not fair!

When do I get to be happy?
When do I get to just enjoy life?

When am I allowed to just be me?

I realised today that if I want the type of relationship I’ve dreamed of, then I have to learn to detach. I have to learn to be okay without the old patterns. I have to learn to be okay with not loving in the way I was taught love has to look. I have to let go…

It’s not fair! How am I ever supposed to feel loved, when I’m not allowed to feel it the way I believe it should feel?

I just want to be loved like I was taught it was supposed to feel. It’s not fair that you get all the good stuff, while I have to fight just to survive.

And I hate you for it. I truly, honestly hate you for it.

When is it finally my turn?

Me