Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey,

You want to know what I am missing? You truly want to know?

It’s you! I am missing you! I am missing everything, and you won’t even give me a little bit of what I want!

What do I want? I want someone who holds me when I can’t hold myself. I want someone who tells me I am beautiful when I can’t see it. I want someone who sees me when I can’t see myself. I want someone who realises how much I have been through and actually cares! I want someone who takes my pain away. I want someone who cares about me! I want someone who sees my joy and is happy with me! I want someone who does not make me earn their love. I want someone who takes the good with the bad! I want someone who just loves me as I am, not someone who says they do, but someone who actually does.

Can you give me that? Because you have been lacking! You have been lacking in all of this. Yeah, you cared about the inner child… but what about me? What about the teenager that was left behind? What about the teenager that always had to hide? What about the teenager who was never loved… because she never earned it?

You say you want to be there for me and make me happy. You want to love me… Then fucking do it!

Love the unhealed version of me! Show me that I am worth fighting for! Show me that I am worthy of fucking love!

Do you even know what love is? It means choosing someone every day. When did you choose me last? When did you actually choose me?

You write this blog and act all mighty, but in reality, you’re no better than the rest of them! You are no better than the people who have left me time and time again. And then we find a great fucking guy and you ruin it! You ruined it because you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut!

You never keep your mouth shut… you are so opinionated and think you know everything better. Well, you don’t! If you did, then I wouldn’t be this hurt, would I?

You leave me behind every fucking day. Every day you choose other people and yourself, but you never choose me!

I’ve been telling you for weeks that I want to go for walks and I want to go outside… but all you do is sit in front of the TV and your stupid blog.

You’re no better than my parents.

When will you choose me?

Me.

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Hey my sweet,

I know it’s unusual for me to answer in the same post, but I felt like this is needed. Especially after so much rage.

Firstly: your rage is valid. It is completely okay for you to feel this — and I don’t mean that in a condescending way. I truly get why you are angry, and yes, you have every right to be.

I was trying to fix you without ever listening to you, and that was wrong of me. So thank you for being angry. Thank you for telling me how I am hurting you.

I want to be better. I want to do better.

I know I need to earn your trust before you can truly open up to me, and that is okay. I will sit here with you until you are ready.

So scream at me. Insult me if you have to. Be ugly and mean. Be disgusting and hurtful. Be as unlovable as you believe yourself to be. I will be here with you all the way, until you are ready to truly open up and let me see you for who you are.

I know my words won’t change anything, but I will stay with you until my actions show you that I am trustworthy. You need someone who is reliable and loves you for who you are… I truly want to be that for you. And I hope that one day, you can let go of the safety that anger gives you, so I can sit with you in truth and just be there. To just love you.

No healing. No fixing. Just love and acceptance.

Lots of love,
Me