Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey,

I’m angry at you, and I cannot tell you why. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t know.

Well, I do know. I’m hurting. I’m hurting, and anger feels safer than hurting. Being angry at you means I don’t have to feel my pain. It means I’m in control. It means I’m okay, and it’s your fault.

I’m hurting because I see how happy you are. I see how much you’ve achieved in such a short time. I see that you’re living a life that fulfils you, and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that you get to live that life while I had to make the tough decisions that ruined the life I had.

You get to build on a foundation while every foundation I ever had was taken away from me. You get to live how you want to live, while I had to make other people happy. You get to live in abundance, while I had to look for scraps.

It’s not fair.

I know that we’ve talked about this before, and I know that I made the best decisions I could have made at the time, and that considering what my options were, I made incredibly brave and hard decisions. But what’s the use in all that when I wasn’t able to just exist and be happy? Why did I have to make the hard decisions when it didn’t help me back then?

I know that we are the same person, but it feels like I had to sacrifice myself so that you can have this life, and I don’t like it. I hate it. I hate it a lot.

I’m so upset by it that I honestly can’t even begin to tell you how to “make it better” because I don’t even think that’s possible right now. I just wish we could go back in time and choose an easier path so I could have some happiness too.

Right now, I’m not happy for you. Right now, I’m honestly just heartbroken because you have everything that I wanted, and I never got to experience that.

I know it’s not rational, but that’s how I feel.

Me