Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hello my sweetness,

I noticed in my last post that I didn’t give you a fair chance to truly show yourself. I noticed that you were hurting and jumped straight into “fixing mode” without even giving you a chance to speak or show yourself, and for that I am truly sorry, and I honestly get why you don’t feel safe enough to show yourself if that is how I choose to act.

So here is my apology. I am truly sorry for not letting you speak and for dimming your voice when you finally felt safe enough to show yourself.

I would like to make it up to you by giving you this space to talk about how you feel without interrupting and without trying to soothe you. This is your space if you want it. Because I said my part, and now it’s your turn to speak.

“Have you ever thought about the fact that you might be scared of outshining other people because you constantly outshine yourself? Have you ever thought about the fact that you might be scared of causing other people pain because sometimes you cause yourself pain by wanting to do it right? Have you ever thought about the fact that you feel a need to fix other people’s problems because you constantly feel a need to fix me?

I am hurting, and it is okay to hurt. I am allowed to feel abandoned, and I am allowed to not want your safety. My parents should have been my safety. My parents should have been the ones who took care of me, and I am upset that they never did. And then I finally show myself, and you tell me I am not supposed to feel that way? That isn’t fair! That’s not okay! Yeah, it’s your responsibility now to keep me safe, but it wasn’t back then, was it? I should have been taught the tools to do that, but I wasn’t. Instead, I was taught how to be the perfect victim. And you know what?! I wasn’t! I fought every part of the way! I fought for myself, and I fought for you!

So for you to say I shouldn’t feel abandoned is not okay! I was abandoned. Even worse than that: I wasn’t just abandoned; I was made to believe that I was the one in the wrong for having needs!

To be a teenager who already has to deal with all the social pressure, society, and then also the parents who think that everything you do is wrong is a fucking joke! It’s a cruel joke!

So don’t you fucking dare tell me how to feel because what I feel is valid, and I will feel what I need to feel.

Yeah, you’re my safety now, but I don’t live in the now, do I?! I live in the hurt of the past. That is my reality, and no matter how much you try to make it better, it won’t change the past. So let me be here and let me be in my reality. This is where I am meant to be.”

Thank you.

Lots of love,

Me