Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hello,

Who catches you if you fall? Who is there if you can’t hold things together anymore? Who gives you a foundation that you can build on? What breaks your fall when your grip slips?

These questions used to cause so much anxiety in my body. They used to make me so scared that I had to look away from them and hide.

At one point, I would have said my ex-husband. Then it would have been my ex-boyfriend. Maybe my best friend.

But are they supposed to catch me if I can’t hold myself anymore? Are they supposed to be my whole safety net? Are they supposed to be my whole foundation? No. I can add them to it. They can reinforce my safety net. They can help me build a foundation, but they are not supposed to be my whole foundation. That’s supposed to be me. I am meant to catch myself when I am falling. I am supposed to be the one to rely on. I am supposed to be the safest place for myself.

When I was building on the relationship that I had and used my partner for safety, my anxiety was the worst it ever was. At one point, I was so scared of leaving the house that I didn’t leave it for a whole week. I didn’t even know what I was scared of… maybe that people saw me, that I would get hit by a bus, or just that I would twist an ankle. I just know that I didn’t dare leave the house because I would get panic attacks when I did.

So how did I go from that to having my own blog, writing about how I feel, and wanting to coach people?

The simple answer: I became my own safety net.

The real answer: I had to learn that I could rely on myself, that I would always do what is best for me, even when it’s hard, and that I was someone who could always pick up the pieces if I broke something.

It took me almost five years to become someone who functions even when she is scared and who has the courage to move forward even when it’s uncertain what comes next.

So what did my anxiety want to show me? It wanted to show me that I am breaking my trust or that I have broken the trust with myself because I put more trust into someone else than I did into me. It was trying to show me that I am not ready for the big things because I didn’t even have enough trust to do the small things. It was trying to show me that what I was doing was harming me and that I needed to change things.

I am so grateful for my fears because they forced me to slow down and build the foundation that empowers me to do all the things I am doing today. It wasn’t easy to get here, and I still have to fight myself sometimes, but I learned to work with the fear instead of against it.

Fear or anxiety shows me that I am about to do something really exciting but that there’s still something blocking me. Usually, it’s an expectation that’s set wrong or a perspective that’s misaligned. As soon as I correct that, I feel so much lighter doing what I want to do, and it becomes easier. I still get panic attacks, but now they happen after I’ve done what I needed to do instead of stopping me from doing it.

Using my anxiety to build a foundation was the most amazing and probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Yet it is so rewarding when I look at how far I’ve come.

This time one year ago, I was dating someone who I knew wouldn’t be someone long-term, just because he was almost the person that I wanted to be with. I was in a job that I did not love and felt stuck.

Today, I am happily single and don’t date people I know are not what I am looking for in a partner. I have a job I enjoy with people I like and am building my own business. I am freer than I ever knew possible. The best part: I’m not even done yet.

Knowing that I have survived my worst day and knowing that I can survive even worse knowing that I have my back no matter what, and that I don’t even have to look out for danger to be able to protect myself against it, has made me so much clearer and lighter.

It’s possible for everyone to build a foundation. You just have to start small. Show yourself that you can wash a spoon when you want to tidy up. Show yourself that you can throw one piece of rubbish away when you want to clean. Set small, achievable goals to train your brain that you are reliable.

Those small achievements will seem like nothing in the grand scheme of things, but in that moment, you become your own hero because you know exactly how hard it was to just do that little thing.

Do the little things. Because in the end, those are the things that show you that you love yourself, that you can trust yourself, and that you will be there no matter what.

Lots of love,

Me