Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I have to disappoint you, and it breaks my heart.

Today I realised that there is something I cannot do for you, something you have been yearning for. Something you miss so deeply that it feels like your heart is tearing into a thousand pieces when you think about it. And I am so, so sorry that I cannot take this ache away.

I realised the other day that you yearn for the kinds of friendships we had when we were at school and religious. You yearn for a “tribe” of people who feel like your ride or die. People who will go through everything with you. People you can rely on, no matter what. People who help you build your life, and from whom you don’t have to hide. People who are closer to you than your shadow.

The thing is… I can’t give you that. I want to. I truly want to give you people who will hold you when you can’t take life anymore, and who will care for you when you can’t get out of bed. I want to give you people who will walk the path with you, and maybe even for you, when you can’t.

But I can’t. I can’t do that because it would break me. Giving you those relationships would break my confidence. It would break everything I believe in. It would undo everything I have built for myself. So as much as I want to choose you and give you what you so desperately want, I can’t because choosing you would mean losing me.

I promise you, though, that I will allow friendships that do not break me. I will allow connections that strengthen and hold rather than replace. I promise that I will not let you be lonely again. I will go out and try to meet people who will give you the connection you crave and who hold the same values I do, because I want to find a compromise.

I truly wish I could let go of what I believe in and let myself fall into those relationships again. It would be so much easier, and it would honestly feel more natural. But we have been there before, and I don’t want to go back to those ways. They harmed us, and I don’t want to feel like that again.

I hope you can accept that and move forward with me. I promise I will do more, and be more extroverted for you, so that we can meet the people you are looking for.

Lots of love,
Me