Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hello,

Today I realized I truly love myself. I wrote the post “The Cost of Healing” and it made me realize that what I view as true, unbreakable, healthy love is the love I have for myself. So, I thought I’d share my view on love with you, because for me it changed everything.

First, I’d like to share the backstory because I feel it’s important.

When I was a child and teenager, I always looked for an answer to the question: “What is true love, and how do I recognize it?” (Yes, I realise it’s unusual for a child to think about questions like this.) I would observe everything around me. I watched couples, read books, and consumed media on the topic. But I never found a satisfying answer.

I found explanations like:

• “Infatuation is how you feel; love is what you know.”
• “Love is what you cannot deny; infatuation is blind.”
• “Love is knowing you want to be with the person; being in love means you have feelings for them.”

Even the descriptions you find by googling “What is true love?” didn’t satisfy me.

When I looked for answers, I found the symptoms, but never the how or why. Never the cause behind those symptoms. For example:
What is true love? “It’s about mutual growth, support, respect, and understanding.” Great but where’s the depth? To me, that answer feels like going to a doctor and asking, “What illness do I have?” and them telling me, “You have a fever, a cough, and a runny nose.” It doesn’t answer my question. It just lists the symptoms.

Why are mutual growth, support, respect, and understanding the symptoms of true love? Even ChatGPT couldn’t give me a satisfying answer when I asked it just now.

That’s why, years ago, I decided I wanted to define love for myself. So here is my meaning:
Love is the act of choosing something because it allows you true happiness and preserves your overall well-being.

I have to admit, my first definition was different. I was someone who needed a lot of input from the outside and lived in a world of “I need validation from others to be able to live.” (I don’t say this judgmentally, that’s just how it was.) This meant my first definition of true love was:
“Choosing someone who makes your needs and wishes a priority.”

Why do I mention the old definition? Because it’s important to clarify that this meaning didn’t come to me overnight. It was a process which beautifully shows how my meaning works. It’s not about choosing what you most desire in the moment. Sometimes it means living through excruciating emotional pain because you have to choose something that goes against everything you know.

There was a moment like that for me. Back in 2020, I met someone who was great, the perfect mix of what I wanted and what I knew. He triggered every coping mechanism, felt like home, and at the same time felt like my future. We had a complicated relationship that lasted about two years, going from friends with benefits to dating, to separating, to dating again. The day came when everything reached a climax, and I had to choose:
Do I want to carry on with this pattern, hoping one day we’ll become the people we need to be? Or do I leave and break my own heart?

I chose to leave and break my own heart. It’s been three years, and a part of me still wishes to be there. A part of me still hopes for that change… for the message that would allow me to go back and live the future we never had, even after not talking or having contact with that person for more than two years.

The thing about this situation is, it hurt like hell when I left. I was still yearning for him a year later, the kind of heart-aching, “I want to see him or rip my heart out to stop the pain” kind of yearning. But it also taught me that I can survive something like that. So now, when I’m in pain over losing someone, I compare it to that situation and know: it hurts, but I’ve survived worse. Not just survived it, but come out thriving. That makes the pain from other situations more bearable.

I know I chose my well-being and happiness at the cost of my comfort. That right there is the very definition of love for me.

The question I ask myself now is: How is that different from being in love? I think the key is the word “comfort.” For me, being infatuated or in love means putting one’s comfort before one’s well-being. They don’t necessarily mean the same thing. You can be in love but not love. You can also love and not be in love.

Let me give you two examples:

• You can love someone but not be in love. When you fight with a partner, you usually have to leave your comfort zone to resolve it in a healthy and productive way. If we stay in our comfort zone, we go for coping mechanisms like blame or defense. To resolve an argument without harm, you have to be open. For me, I know I’m not in love with someone when I have to do that. In fact, I kind of resent them for making me do it. But I also know I choose this path because, in the end, I want to keep this person in my life because they add happiness to it.
• On the other hand, you can be in love but not love someone. Honestly, I already gave the best example. I was in love with my situationship but did not love him. How do I know? Because if feelings weren’t involved, I would never have chosen him.

How does this tie back to loving myself? In my post “The Cost of Healing,” I talk about how I cannot fulfill a wish my inner teen has. I cannot go to the length of her desire because it would mean losing myself. Honestly, I think that’s the best way to show yourself love. You choose what is best not just for the moment, but for your future. In that post, I don’t just say, “I can’t, sorry.” I find a way to fulfill the actual need without losing myself in the process.

When I look back on my past, I see I used to do what I thought would bring me the most comfort in the moment but never thought about my future self. How would she feel in the situation I’m creating? How will this affect me in three months or even a year? Now, I try to do things that bring me joy and build for the future while respecting my past.

Now I make myself the priority so that when I meet someone, he can be just as much a priority in my life as I am. No one has to lose themselves (no partner, friend, family member, or me) to be part of my life because when I care for myself in a way that makes me happy, I have enough happiness to share with others without making them responsible for it.

I started my journey by being in love with me (and don’t get me wrong, I still am), but now I love myself more.

I honestly don’t have a nice way to wrap this up… so I just hope you enjoy my brain dump and can take something for yourself from it.

Lots of love,
Me