Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I honestly don’t know how to start or even what to say. I feel your pain. I feel you craving a relationship. I feel how anxious you are to talk about it.

I am sorry for judging you. I know that there is still a part of me that judges you for wanting someone in your life and feeling incomplete without a relationship. I am sorry for judging you for wanting attention and for feeling validated when someone is interested in you.

I have demonised needing other people so much that you didn’t feel safe to show me what you needed or wanted, and that’s not okay.

I don’t feel ready to let go of the belief that I should be okay alone and that I don’t need anyone, but I want to try to learn to be more open because I want you to be okay.

We have come a long way, and if I consider how much we needed other people when we were teenagers, I understand why you still feel the need to have a boyfriend. I understand why you still want to be noticed and why you feel the need to be validated.

I also see how much you have already achieved. You don’t abandon friends or yourself anymore to get that validation, and you are still able to stand firm on your own when you meet someone new. You are able to set boundaries and move away from people when they do not show the qualities that you are looking for in a partner.

I don’t know how to deal with the feelings you are letting me feel. I don’t know how to work with them yet. I don’t know how to release them yet. But I know that they are natural, and I will try to allow them. I will work on not judging you or myself for having them, and on learning to accept them.

It scares me because I fear that I would fall back into my old patterns, but I also know that I have been through worse. I am ready to take this on. I just need to figure out how.

Thank you for trusting me enough to allow me to see these feelings. I wasn’t the perfect “host” for these, but I appreciate your trust and that you kept pushing them until I couldn’t deny them anymore.

I will figure this out. I promise.

Lots of love
Me