Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I talked about how I don’t know how to work with the feelings I am having about a relationship. The thing is… I don’t know if I even understand the feelings. I don’t know if I even know what I am feeling. I just know it hurts right now. I just know that there is a part of me that wants to be loved so badly that it hurts not to have someone in my life. I guess that is the part I am demonising. I think that I should love myself enough not to want someone. I think that I should be enough to be okay with being alone. Needing someone to love me is weak. It shows I am not as far as I want to be. It means I am not good enough.

How can I be enough for someone else if I am not even enough for myself?

Why do you feel like you are not enough for me? Where am I showing you that I don’t love you? Where do you feel like I am neglecting you?

I would like to jump in and tell you how much I love you and how great you are, but that’s not what you need right now, is it? You want to see action. You want to know you are truly enough. You want to see me love you. I just don’t understand where I am not showing you that I do.

I feel like I am doing enough. I manage to take care of my body, I have lost weight, I keep the flat clean, I am organised, I am starting to be social.

Is it the weight? You used your weight as a way to protect yourself… is it bringing old fears back by losing it? Do you feel like I never truly loved you because I am happy about losing that weight?

It is… You don’t feel enough because I am happy about losing weight… because you feel like your way of protecting me wasn’t enough or appreciated.

Okay. I am sorry for making you feel that way by not acknowledging all the things I have gained by your strategy. This isn’t the right time to talk about this, but I promise you that I will let it sit and when we are both ready, we will talk about it and see how we move forward.

Thank you and lots of love,

Me