Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I feel like it’s about time to say goodbye. I feel like we are about to part ways because everything has been said and done that needed to be said and done.

I have to admit that I don’t know how I did it. I don’t even know why we are at this point, but I do know that I am happy to be here.

It feels like I should be saying that I don’t want you to go and that I want to do more with and for you. I feel like I should be fighting to keep you in my life because that is how it is meant to be. Like I am supposed to integrate you and keep you to make you happy.

The thing is… it feels a lot like that time with the inner child… I feel like you want to move on and I don’t want to stop you. I also don’t want to live the same life that I used to want.

You wanted to become a psychologist and treat/help people. You wanted to help people get better. You wanted to understand people and help change them. That is a truly noble and understandable goal.

The thing is… I just don’t think that is me anymore. I want to help create a better world, yeah, but I don’t want to coach people… which is kind of unfortunate because we started building this life… we started to build something where we coach people and help others.

I will admit that I do have some fun doing it and I do enjoy talking to people about the things I have learned while on my own healing journey. But I don’t want to spend my life treating other people. I want to spend my life enjoying every moment.

Writing my book I realised that I don’t want to be in one-to-one sessions with people. I don’t want to tell people how to live their life and then see them falling back into old patterns. I don’t want to feel the pain that others feel when they have to face their toughest moments. I don’t want to be there when people are spiralling.

I want to have a calm life. I want to have a life full of joy. And when I do feel pain, I want it to be pain that I choose to feel, not pain that I have to feel.

I am questioning right now if I am running away from what I truly want because I realise it’s in reach, or if I thought that is what I want because I was expecting to be feeling something specific when I reached that goal.

Did I want to coach people or help people because I thought people would like or need me if I do that and was hoping that I would find friends and companionship through that? Or do I really want to use my knowledge and experience to help people go further? Am I running away or have I reached a point where I have to make a choice and reassess my path?

Do I let go of a dream that is within reach or do I try another way?

When I think about the goal I have set, what I wanted to reach and what that looked like for me, I don’t feel excitement anymore. I don’t feel fear either. It is an emptiness. I feel sad thinking about that. I feel lonely. Does reaching that goal mean I will be lonely?

When I think about the other ideas I have, I start to smile. I have a few ideas that I would like to try. I have a few interests that I would try to invest in. I don’t know how efficient those will be or what I would or could reach with them, but they fill me with joy. I feel more accomplishment when thinking about those insignificant things than I do when I think about the big goal that is just around the corner.

Do I have to choose? What if I reduce my dream to something smaller so I have time to follow the things that bring me joy. Could I maybe find a way to go both paths until I find the one that actually makes me happy?

I think that might be the best choice. To find a path that combines all of my wants, needs and wishes until I find a path that is made especially for me.

A goal isn’t there to be achieved at all costs. Sometimes it’s just something to help you find a way through the thick of it.

So would I be OK with not reaching the goal that I have set myself?

I truly think I will be. Because the goals I have set myself can be achieved in many ways. It doesn’t have to be in this one specific way.

So let’s find a way to work together for the time that we still have each other. I truly want to see you happy as well.

Lots of love

Me