Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I have to admit that I was kind of scared the last few weeks.

It felt like you were falling back into a hole that is difficult to come out of. I was honestly scared that we would fall so deep that I wouldn’t be able to get you out of it as quickly as I would like to.

I saw all the signs: not taking care of yourself as much as you usually do, letting the flat become a mess and sleeping less. I also saw how you didn’t (and still don’t) feel the same joy in doing things you like as you did a few months ago.

You felt so much joy watching K-drama and writing this blog. It’s somehow not there right now. Writing this, I realise that you find joy when you are moving. I’m wondering: is it because you are able to cause yourself pain, without causing harm, or is it because it’s actually fun for the first time in years, due to the weight loss?

Or is it maybe a mix of both?

I know that you are feeling pain and some sort of emptiness within your soul. Is you testing your body boundaries a way of expressing that pain?

I would like to understand where this pain is coming from.

There are so many good things happening right now. There are so many things I am excited about. So why am I so sad?

Why are you sad?

I feel like I missed out on so many things because of my past. All the things I am doing now should have been things that I did years ago. I feel like my life was messed up by so many people and now I am able to finally enjoy life and I am behind. I am behind my life plan.

I am such an amazing person and I have such amazing skills but I have no way of using them in a way that actually profits me and allows me to live a life that I know I could have had if the beginning would have been different.

Life could have been so different and maybe even carefree if I had just had more supportive parents.

I guess we are at the point again where we know that it’s not our fault that we are where we are but it is our responsibility to fix the problems that other people have caused.

Is it fair to blame my parents for the life I am living right now?

Honestly, I think it is. Because of how I was raised, I never learned to set boundaries or even know who I was. I am still getting to know myself and I have only recently learned to set boundaries.

I had to learn to build a foundation from scratch because I was never taught how to or even helped to build it. I had to learn how to deal with life in a healthy way in my late twenties. I should have been building my life in my late twenties. I should have had the skills by then to be able to thrive, to actually accomplish my dreams. I wasn’t given that option, because I had to survive.

So now I am in my early thirties and have to learn the things that I should have been taught in my teenage years.

I am actually so angry. I should be at a point in my life where I am building a career or even living it. I should know who I am and be embodying that. I shouldn’t be learning who I am. I shouldn’t be building the foundation. I should already have that.

I am in pain because I am angry. I want to burn the world because it feels unfair. I can’t even enjoy the good because it’s not something that should be good at this stage. It’s something that should be normal.

My normal was taken from me because other people weren’t able to actually raise children.

I have to carry the burden that others did not want to carry and I can’t even unload it or give it away because it needs to be replaced. I need to actually work the burden away. A burden that I never chose to carry but was forced to.

Yeah… I get now why we needed to get away from this world for a while, even if it was just mentally.

So thank you for getting back up and trying again. I know it’s not easy but we have made it this far already and I am sure that we will be able to unload this burden so much that it doesn’t hinder us. We will be able to thrive one day and truly live the life we want to live!

I know we can do that. I know it because we already made it this far!

So let’s keep going and rest when we need to.

Lots of love

Me