Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

It feels like today is the day for hopes and dreams to die.

You wanted to get emotional… so here it is. Today is the day that we are starting to truly let go of all the hopes and dreams that have brought us to this point. I am so grateful for these parts of me, but they are not helping me anymore. They are not letting me move forward anymore. They are hindering me from taking the next step.

When we started this journey, we set our goal as a healthy, loving relationship. We thought of someone who is by our side, who makes pancakes in the morning and dances with us in the kitchen at 3 a.m. We imagined someone who looks at us with the most adoring look on his face while we tell a story that has no real meaning. We imagined someone who would wipe away a loose strand of hair so he could see our face better.

That was our goal. That was what we were striving for, and I am so grateful for this goal because it allowed me to become this version of me. It allowed me to carry on when I was about to give up. It helped me stand up when I fell. It was my reason for moving.

But it cannot be my reason anymore. It has been an anchor that has helped me pull myself to this point… but right now, I don’t need to pull anymore. I need to go forward, and the anchor is stopping me from doing that.

You have helped me get here. You have been my anchor. Your hope and belief in this better life have helped me become who I am today. Without that, I would never have made it this far.

I do really love you. I have chosen you time and time again. I have tried to make decisions that also helped you get your dreams. The thing is: if I keep choosing you, I am going to have to stop choosing me. If I keep working towards your dreams and your hopes, I have to ignore my own.

I cannot choose you anymore and still choose myself. I have reached a point where I have to decide. Do I choose you, the version of me that brought me here, or do I choose me, the version of myself that is able to keep going?

I want to choose me. I want to keep going. I want to see what’s next. I want to see what good things are waiting for me. I can’t do that if I keep trying to make you happy, because our goals don’t align anymore.

I wish there was a way to choose us both. I wish there was a way to move ahead as one. I honestly don’t want to let you go because you have brought so much joy and love into my life. It feels like I am betraying you… At the same time, I know that I would be betraying myself if I carried on as I have.

We have been in a similar situation before, and I know that you will be okay. I will be okay too.

Maybe one day I will find the relationship that you crave so much by chance. When that day comes, I will run to you. I will run to you and let you experience it. I will get you and let you live that dream.

I just cannot live life waiting for that dream. I want to live. I don’t want to use my life to wait, but to experiment and experience. I want to feel what life can be like without this burden of hope.

I truly hope you understand. I hope you understand that this will be the last weekend that we spend together. This will be the last weekend that I allow your dreams to dictate my life.

I am truly sorry. It truly hurts. I truly wish this could go another way.

I have to choose me.

Lots of love,
Me