Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

We finally did it! We didn’t just write but also published our first book!

I am so proud of you! You are truly starting to live the life that you want, and you’re not sabotaging it like you used to!

You don’t make rash decisions anymore just because you think you have to make a decision. You wait for the right moment. You wait until you feel like it is the right time. You wait until it’s a yes, not a maybe anymore.

I love that you don’t make decisions out of fear anymore, but because you want to make that decision! I love that we make decisions together and try to work together to get the best possible outcome.

I love that we don’t leave each other behind.

Writing this, I realise that I am leaving you behind in a way. I said that we couldn’t go on the way we have been, and I think I might have made a decision out of pain instead of trying to find a way for us both to be happy.

So let’s talk about this again. I know that your wish is to find a healthy relationship with a partner who loves you deeply and cherishes you.

The problem isn’t that you wish to have a relationship. I think it’s natural to want one. As much as I love having time to myself and as much as I love the freedom to be able to do whatever I want, I also sometimes miss having someone to take care of and someone who takes care of me.

I think the problem lies in the deeper wish. The one from the heart. The wish that still hopes someone will rescue me. That’s the part that’s hurting me. It’s the part that still wishes for a partner so my life can start; someone who protects my boundaries, motivates me, and helps me fulfil my dreams.

That’s really the part that isn’t okay. Most of me knows that I am enough… but there’s still a part of me that refuses to acknowledge that when it comes to romantic relationships.

The problem is: I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know how to remove it. I don’t know how to integrate it. I don’t know how to move away from it. I don’t know how to accept it.

That’s the key, isn’t it… I refuse to accept it. I refuse to accept that there is still a part of me waiting, hoping, and longing. I refuse to accept that there is still a part of me that has been broken by the past and is still in need of attention.

Or is it? Is that really the part that I am refusing to accept? Am I maybe refusing to accept that part of me by refusing to engage in flirting and dating?

So many possibilities and so much nothing to work with.

I feel like most of my wounds are healed. I truly don’t identify with my past anymore. I hardly ever think about it, and it rarely influences the choices I make today. Yet this topic somehow still haunts me.

I think I need to be brave… start small and open myself up to dating again. Maybe if I don’t approach it in the sense of finding a life partner but as healing the wounds left by the past, allowing myself to be attractive to others and allowing myself to be open with others?

I don’t know… I literally don’t know. All I know is that I am very, very confused by the topic right now. Maybe I need to redefine my goal.

Either way, I know we’ll get there in the end. We’ve always reached our goals. I honestly don’t know (apart from finding a healthy romantic relationship and recently set goals) of one goal that we’ve set ourselves that we haven’t reached. I am confident that we’ll reach this goal as well.

I guess our next topic to work on is dating… yay…

Lots of love,
Me