Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I just realised that I haven’t posted anything or talked to you in two weeks. I am truly sorry about that. There have been a lot of changes these last two weeks, and I didn’t really feel a need to post. I use this platform to help me think through things and to clear my brain so that I have an idea of what’s going on. I honestly didn’t feel like I needed that over the last two weeks.

I felt confident when I quit my job and took the new one. I felt confident when I had a moment that would have humiliated me six months ago. I felt confident when I redecorated my flat. I felt confident when I decided how I want to spend my free time. I felt confident when I decided to give dating another try.

But that also gives me something I am scared about. I have shown myself vulnerable here. I have posted things that would have scared others to post. I wasn’t scared because those were things that I felt comfortable sharing.

The thing is… I want to be able to have a healthy relationship one day. However, I don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable when it comes to romantic love. I don’t feel comfortable sharing things that have hurt me or that still hurt me. I don’t feel comfortable showing myself as weak when it comes to romantic relationships…

That’s why I think that I need to start writing about it. I want to start writing about it.

I have only shared my “almost done” messy here, but I haven’t done any real work (at least I don’t think I have) on my romantic messiness. So, I want to start working through that. I want to be able to say I am a good partner, and I want to be able to show up as someone who adds happiness to someone else’s life.

I feel like the best place to start would be to date… the thing is: I don’t want to be on dating apps. They just made me feel bad, and they take way too much time to actually find someone decent to date.

Maybe I could go to speed dating or dating events? My only fear is that there are only desperate people… but at the same time, I would have many dates within a short time frame, and I would have to actively look for a date because they would already be planned…

OK. That’s one option: dating events. The other idea would be hoping that someone asks me on a date while I am enjoying a hobby.

I was thinking about going to the gym, but I feel like people would not ask me on a date there… but I think I still want to start that. Not to date, but for me.

I was thinking about starting archery, but that’s also for me.

I think I need to think of an activity to start dating… but maybe dating events are enough for now. I don’t think I should do too much too soon, because I don’t want dating to become my whole life. I want it to be a little part of it. I don’t want to come into a situation where I actually meet someone and then have them become my whole life because I don’t have any other interests besides dating.

So maybe dating should be a two-thing-a-week max? No, a one-thing-a-week max for a start. When I have hobbies that actually take up time, then I can turn it up to two things a week.

I think that sounds like a plan.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about taking out the emotions and just having a strategy right now… but I think it is a good start. The emotions will probably come later when I get frustrated or heartbroken. I shouldn’t force emotions when I don’t have them yet.

I guess: may the odds be ever in your favour.

Lots of love

Me