Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

Here is a brain dump that just took me by surprise because it made so much sense, and everything just kind of clicked into place.

Self-sabotage is a form of control (nothing new), and it stems from a lack of self-trust.

But here is what made me go, “Oh! Shit!”: Self-sabotage is a form of control because it allows us to feel powerful without risk.

What do I mean? Well, when we sabotage something ourselves, we know how we created it. We know how it works, and we know the outcome. So even if we are not able to “save” it, we are still the ones who knew what would happen.

It also allows us to look competent in front of others because when we are able to fix it, it is usually effortless or quick.

So, either we look competent because we knew what would happen, or we look competent because we were able to fix the problem elegantly.

It also makes us irreplaceable. When we create chaos or sabotage something, especially in other people’s lives or in situations where other people are involved, we become irreplaceable because we are the only ones with all the puzzle pieces. We are the only ones who truly know how to finish the puzzle.

The problem with this is that the confidence we gain from this method is extremely fragile. We cannot allow anyone to come too close, because if they see that we are the ones who created the chaos, or if they add fuel to the fire, then it becomes dangerous. Either they don’t need us to fix it anymore, or they will let us go because they hate what we have created.

The difference between this pattern of behaviour and true self-trust is that the person knows they can handle the chaos that life naturally throws at them. They are not scared of it and don’t need to create it because they are confident in their ability to make the right decisions when needed. They are confident that they will stay strong enough to weather the storm.

Confident people don’t run away from negative feelings. They know they will survive them. They also know that they will not let themselves be paralysed by them, or at least not for so long that they won’t be able to find a solution.

People always seem to think that you are not allowed to have emotions if you want to move forward.

I think about emotions a little differently.

I think emotions aren’t always supposed to be acted on. They are allowed to be suppressed for a short while so you can move forward but they always need to be felt.

I think it’s okay to suppress feelings when there’s a “dangerous” situation, as long as you allow yourself to feel those feelings when it’s safe. It’s okay to ignore your guilt and sadness when you break up with someone, as long as you allow yourself to feel those feelings after you’ve finished what you needed to finish. It’s okay to ignore your anxiety when you’re about to give a big presentation, as long as you feel it after you’ve given the presentation.

I prefer this approach to feelings because when you feel them before or during, they often become bigger and bigger until you feel paralysed.

When you feel the feelings after, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel because the situation has already happened. You know how it ends. You know that you are safe.

Basically: feel your feelings when you feel safe. If you feel them before, you’ll only add fuel, and it will become a bigger situation than it needed to be.

It also allows you to build trust within yourself because you learn to deal with things. You don’t avoid them, and you don’t sabotage them because your feelings are not relevant in that moment.

You also learn to trust yourself because you show up for yourself. You show yourself that you will always be a safe place and you will always take care of yourself—even if it’s not in that specific moment. You know, deep down, that as soon as you are safe and the situation is over, you will allow those feelings and take care of what’s bothering you.

That is so vital, especially in a world where we are taught that emotions are not okay and that safety is a luxury.

Trusting starts with you. If you can’t trust yourself, then who can you trust?

Lots of love,
Me