Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I know I promised to work on my relationship issues… but I know that you don’t want to. I can feel how comfortable you are with the life that you are living right now. I know that you are feeling fine and that you don’t feel like a relationship will change anything. I know you feel like dating would be a waste of time. I know all that. So all I want to do today is ask you some questions, and I would like you to answer honestly. I want to ask questions so that I know where we are at and if now is the right time to start working on the things that I would like to work on.

Here are my questions:

Do you want a relationship right now? No.

Do you want a relationship in the future? Yes.

Why do you want a relationship in the future? Because I believe that there is a person out there who could add to my happiness, and that there is a person who is waiting to find me. I believe that there is someone out there who wants exactly me in their life and who I want to share my happiness with. I believe that there is someone out there that I want to share not just my happiness with but also my reality, because they make my reality bigger. They allow me to breathe deeper. They allow me to feel more. I want a relationship in the future because I believe there is a person out there who will add so much to my life that it feels like I was only living half a life. It doesn’t mean that I will be lacking or that I am lacking. It means that instead of eating my food alone at a table, that person will be sitting with me at that table and sharing their meal. We will have two meals instead of just one. One would be enough and it would be the tastiest meal ever. Yet having two meals to share without going hungry is even better.

What would this relationship look like? Well, I have to start with what it won’t be… It won’t be a relationship where he has to protect me. It won’t be a relationship in which we have to provide for each other. It won’t be a relationship in which we argue a lot. It won’t be a relationship in which we make each other feel like we are not a priority. That would mean, for me, that we are able to communicate well. We will be honest with each other even if it’s hard, and we will be transparent. We will take responsibility for our own mistakes and lives while prioritising the other person’s needs. We are both able to set healthy boundaries and protect ourselves from things that are harming us emotionally and physically. We would respect each other’s boundaries and reinforce them in their place, even if the other person is not around. We would have similar life goals and values. It also means that we are both already living the life that we want to live and just add another person to that life.

Those are the basics. What would that look like in everyday life? Can you give an example for each criterion?

Communication: One of us has had a bad day at work and is really angry. Instead of slamming the door as the person walks through it and nit-picking at everything at home, the person will talk to the other and maybe say something like, “I had a really bad day at work today and I am extremely angry. I need some time to deal with my emotions and I need some space right now. I will come to you and talk about it when I am ready. My emotions have nothing to do with you.” That way the other person doesn’t have to carry the emotional labour of figuring out what happened and how they can help, while also knowing where the other person is at right now. They can use the time how they want without worrying.

Honesty: One person was drunk and kissed someone while on a night out. It may not have been their fault, but it happened. I would expect the person who made the mistake (even if it was me) to tell the other person and allow them to react. I would expect a conversation about it, and that the person who had to be honest would respect the consequences of those actions. This also ties into taking responsibility and prioritising the other person’s needs.

Boundaries: I don’t have contact with my family. This is mainly because having contact with them always put me in difficult situations, and it did not make me happy. My partner would accept that and would not try to push me into reaching out to my family. They would also refuse contact with my family if anyone ever tried to reach out to them, because he knows that I would not want them to be a part of my life in any way.

Goals: I want to travel a lot, so my partner would also want to travel. But not just travel — also have the same idea of how he wants to travel. I want to see as much of the place I am visiting as possible while also relaxing and enjoying the place I am staying at. So my partner would have to have a similar idea. If all he wanted to do was lounge by the pool and sunbathe, then that wouldn’t be someone that I would want to travel with.

Values: I need respect, honesty, transparency and integrity. That means that my partner would have to be the same person at home as he is when he is with others. He would not make sexist or racist jokes. His jokes would not hurt people, and he would genuinely talk positively about people. He would tell people to their face when he is upset about something and not talk about it behind their backs.
We would both earn enough money to live the life we want and also pursue our dreams. Meeting each other would only make it even easier to live that life.

How could he show you that he loves you? By letting me be whimsical. He would enjoy seeing me get emotional because of a drama that I am watching. He would join me for a walk even though it’s raining. He would go to a karaoke bar with me even though he doesn’t sing. He would listen and remember things about me. He would accept a no without an explanation. He would want to see me happy. My happiness would be more important than his pride. But most of all… choosing him would mean choosing myself. Choosing to be with him would always mean adding to my own happiness and comfort. Not because he makes life easier, but because he prioritises my needs and wishes enough to make being with him feel like there was never a possibility of him not being a part of my life.

How would you show him that you love him? By making his needs and wishes a priority. I can’t say how I’d do that because he needs to tell and show me how he wants to be loved. The only decision that is mine to make in this case is whether or not I want to love him in the way he wants to be loved.

What does it mean for you to make the needs and wishes of the other person a priority? It means that I will always be my first priority. I will always make sure that I am okay and happy first. Then my next priority would be to make sure that he is happy. It doesn’t mean that I make it my responsibility that he is happy and okay. I make it my responsibility to add to his happiness. It is his responsibility to make sure that he is okay, as it is my responsibility to make sure that I am okay.

What is stopping you from wanting that relationship right now? I don’t feel like I am enough yet.

Do you feel like you have to decide whether or not you are enough? Yes… and I know where you are going with this. It is not my place to decide whether or not I am enough. That is his decision. But I just can’t imagine someone looking at me right now and thinking, “That is exactly the person that I want.” I feel like I still have to reach a few milestones before the person that I would like to have in my life will actually want me.

So the reason that you don’t want to work on your relationship issues isn’t because you don’t want a relationship, but because you don’t feel worthy of your dream relationship? Yeah…

So basically: We have to date your dream guy to find out if you are enough or not… The thing is, you will never be enough if you already believe that you aren’t enough. People will always believe what you believe… so you need to be confident in order to be enough.

I guess that’s where we have to start… making you confident in yourself to believe that the person you want would also want you.

We’ll get there 🙂 It will just take a little time.

But thank you for being honest and allowing me to see you like this. I know it wasn’t easy, and I truly appreciate it.

Lots of love,
Me