Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

In my last letter to you, I asked you a few questions and you told me that the reason why you don’t want a relationship right now is because you don’t feel like you are enough. I would like to dig a little deeper if that’s ok with you. Right now, I just want to understand you and see you. I won’t force dates, and I won’t push anything you are not ready for. Right now, my only concern is to understand you and, if possible, help you.

The end goal is, of course, to allow a healthy and loving relationship, but I won’t force you to enter one, I won’t force you to date, and I won’t force you to open up as long as you do not feel ready.

My only agenda is to help you reach a point where you could allow a relationship and feel ready for it if it presents itself to you. We won’t go looking for it and we won’t chase it. I just want you to be able to accept it when it arrives.

I would like to know why you feel like you are not enough, and I will leave the space to you now so that you can talk about it openly.

“I feel like I am not enough because I find men attractive who take care of themselves, who are active and fit. That’s not me. How can I want that in a partner when I don’t even do that myself? I have only just started taking care of myself by keeping the flat tidy and showering regularly. I only just started to exercise a little, and I don’t even do that regularly. It’s not even enough to lose weight or build muscle. I have only just started to eat healthily and I don’t even manage that every day. I don’t even manage to cook for myself regularly — at least not things that aren’t convenience foods. I feel hypocritical and fake.

I want someone who is confident and authentic, but I still struggle with that myself. I still don’t know who I am in certain situations. I still have trouble sometimes standing up for myself because I’m scared of losing an opportunity. I’m still scared sometimes. I still compare myself to others sometimes.

I feel like I would have to fake being who I am to be able to attract the person that I want to be with, because who I am isn’t someone yet who would attract the kind of person I would like to have in my life.”

Expressing this has shown me a truth that I have been avoiding, and I hate myself a little right now for what I am about to say because it will take away the narrative of being a victim.

Your problem isn’t that you are not enough. Your problem right now is that you have put this future partner on a pedestal. You already imagine that he can’t do wrong. He will be someone who watches his health to a T and won’t make mistakes. He has the perfect body because he exercises regularly. He is so strict with his routine that he is perfect in every way. He has confidence and never doubts himself. He is always authentic and always sets healthy boundaries. He is perfect.

What you’re doing isn’t describing a perfect partner. You are setting a standard for yourself that you will never reach, so you project it onto a future partner. You have taken the internal problems that you had and just moved them onto someone who doesn’t exist yet. Someone who will never exist because humans aren’t perfect.

He has to have the perfect body so that you can love your body as it is right now. If he has a perfect body and loves you, then you are good enough because one of you has what you want.

If he is able to keep his commitment to exercise regularly and loves you, then it’s ok for you not to keep that commitment because he is doing it for you.

If he always sets perfect boundaries, then you don’t have to think about yours because he is doing it for you.

If he is always authentic, then you don’t have to think about your own authentic being because he is living it for you.

I am realising that it’s very hard to be compassionate and understanding with you right now because taking on your own responsibility is something that is extremely important to me, and I am realising that I/we have been pushing this responsibility away, and that makes me very angry. It frustrates me and it depletes me.

It is showing me that I am not as far along as I thought I was.

It also explains why I have been concerning myself with idols more in the last few months.

Idols give a foundation to project things onto. You know enough to create a personality in your imagination, but not enough to know who they actually are. I was able to project all of my insecurities onto them and shift my responsibility onto them, so that I didn’t have to look at it within myself.

I have to admit that I do hate myself right now because I can’t place my responsibility onto someone else anymore. I have seen it and now I have to take it. I can’t pretend that I don’t know anymore and I can’t act like it’s not mine to carry anymore. I don’t want to accept it though. I don’t want to take it.

So the first step needs to be accepting that it’s my responsibility and accepting that I have to carry this myself.

I honestly get it now. I get why I didn’t want to do this and why I was avoiding this topic so much. I get why it was so hard for me to start writing about this. Thank you for trying to protect me.

You don’t have to protect me anymore. I am ready to carry this burden and I am working on taking it on willingly. And to my imaginary part: I am sorry for being unfair to you and making you the scapegoat for my insecurities and fears.

To myself: Thank you for opening up and allowing me to be honest. Thank you for finally trusting me enough to allow me to see this. I don’t know how yet, but I do know that we’ll be able to handle this because we have been through worse and came out fine. This will be ok too.

Lots of love,

Me