Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I feel like we need to compare ourselves today. I feel like we need to remind ourselves how far we’ve come.

So, let’s compare ourselves to this time last year.

Last year, we started a job that we really wanted to do because we hoped it would fulfil us and give us what we were lacking. We started the job because we thought we needed something that would make us feel great. It did just that. I feel like one of the smartest people there, and I feel important.

The problem is that I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to be as important as I am. I want to be appreciated. I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I guess that’s one of the biggest differences right now. I don’t think that being needed is the same as being appreciated anymore. I don’t feel like being needed is a compliment anymore, it’s a burden for me. I don’t want to be needed; I want to be appreciated.

Being needed means that someone can’t fulfil something for themselves and needs me to be that for them. When I can’t fulfil that need, I end up being resented. I don’t like that dynamic.

Being appreciated means that someone can fulfil that need without me, but they would rather have me by their side for it. There may be some sadness if I can’t fulfil that need, but there isn’t resentment.

I honestly didn’t know I’d come to this realisation. I didn’t even notice that I’d already started living like this. I knew I didn’t like having to carry other people, but I didn’t know it was to this extent or why I didn’t like it. This is actually really awesome, and I’m really proud of you/me for coming to this conclusion and already integrating it.

So, let’s carry on. What else has changed?

A year ago, I was hung up on someone who hurt me, and I was scared of being used. I was scared of being used to fill a void. I was scared of being seen only as an object.

Today, I’m not scared of that anymore. I know there are people in my life who have used me because I was useful and fulfilled what they were lacking. Knowing that doesn’t hurt me anymore because I know that when I give something, it’s because I want to give it, not because I need their approval.

Knowing that has lessened the fear of being used because I cannot be used. If I give what I want to give, then I also say no when I want to say no. I’m able to set boundaries better and protect my peace.

That also means when I’m ready to start dating again, I won’t abandon myself as easily, and I’ll be able to protect my time. I’ll carry on with my hobbies and my goals. I’ll carry on spending time with myself. I’ll take better care of me because I don’t want to be burdened, and I don’t want to burden.

A year ago, I was only concerned with my job. I made my job my entire life. Today, I have my blog, I’ve written my first book, I have my K-dramas, my community, and my ideas.

My job has become a way to finance the life I want to live. It’s not there to fulfil my life anymore because it’s full enough and I still have more ideas to fill it even more.

Today, I’m changing my job again, because my new job will allow me to live the life I’m imagining. They don’t need me. They appreciate me. And because of that, I’m allowed to use the foundation I’ve built for my own life.

I’m finally in a place where I want to live my life where I have enough motivation to build my life and actually go for it.

I have plans to travel, maybe learn a new language, maybe start learning to code, maybe I’ll start archery, maybe I’ll start a martial art, maybe I’ll start painting, maybe I’ll move into a bigger flat. There are so many maybes that have opened up, and I cannot wait to explore them. That’s the thing I’m probably most excited about exploring the maybes.

Someone said to me that I seem to be lost. That I seem to go here and there and not have a straight path I’m following. That I’m being willy-nilly.

I am. But it’s because right now, I want that to be my path. I was never able to explore with purpose. I was always surviving and finding a way to move forward. I was never in a safe environment where I could just look around for the sake of looking around.

So that’s my goal for now. I want to explore. I want to find new things and ways. I want to discover new things about me.

I’m being willy-nilly with intent and that’s the difference. I know where I want to head, but right now, I’m in a nice spot, and I want to see as much as I can while I’m here. I want to see as many beautiful places as I can while I’m here.

I’ll move ahead when I’m ready. I’ll get to my goal. The important thing isn’t when I’ll get there but that I’ll get there.

What’s the point of reaching your goal if you haven’t seen anything along the way? What will you talk to the people at the end about if you haven’t seen anything amazing along the way? What will I regret more that I took my time getting there, or that I didn’t see anything while I was getting there?

I guess that’s another difference I don’t mind taking my time anymore. I used to think it was a race to the finish line, when in reality it was a stroll through the park that was meant to be cherished.

I’m so proud of the journey you’ve taken so far, and I hope we get to see many amazing things before we reach our top!

Lots of love,
Me