Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey,

I am thinking about my memories at the moment… I am thinking about how memories have formed me and how I am forming them now.

When I look back on myself from even a year ago, I realise that I used to identify with the memories I thought were real. But I think it’s common knowledge that memories can be manipulated and that they always change a little when we recall them.

Looking back now, I feel like the memories that I thought were relevant for my life were just data that I used to validate myself.

I used those memories to validate the belief that I was worthless. I actively chose to ignore the love that I got from people around me. I ignored the friends in my life who truly loved and supported me because my family chose not to do that. I forgot the moments when my friends were like family because my family validated the fact that I believed I was supposed to be treated badly.

I chose to see people in my life as villains because it supported the fact that I was a hero. I was the good person trying their best. I was the person always sacrificing.

A good person cannot exist if there are no villains. So I made people into villains without realising it.

By now I realise that there are always two sides to a story. I realise that I was also someone’s villain. That’s OK. I probably deserve it.

I am really proud of the fact that I don’t see people in my life as villains anymore. I don’t see people as good or bad anymore. We are all just people. I do have to admit that there is one person that I would consider a bad person. But that’s not because they hurt me (which they did) but because the choices they made were to actively hurt others. That’s the difference. If you choose to hurt someone, that makes the action not OK. We all hurt others. We are imperfect, so it cannot be avoided. But to actively choose to hurt someone just because that’s not OK. That makes someone a villain in my books.

But I was talking about memory. After letting go of most of the pain that I have experienced in my life, I realised that the memories aren’t as relevant anymore. I rarely think about my childhood, and I rarely think about the things that happened in my life that hurt me.

I don’t really identify with them anymore.

What I do think about more are the things that made me happy. The things that I consider lucky or heart-warming.

It’s kind of funny how I remember more of the good things now that I have let go of needing to have lived a good life.

Having let go of the belief that I need to always have luck and be happy has helped me to reach those memories where I was lucky and happy.

It has actually become harder for me to reach the memories that show me how sad I was. It’s like my brain is saying, “Yeah, you had bad times, but you also had good ones. Here you go.”

It’s nice to not have to worry about my thoughts anymore, because I know that there is nothing there anymore that would scare me. There is nothing there anymore that I cannot handle.

And if I have a bad memory, then there are also memories that show me just how good life can be.

I guess what I learned from this is: memories are a choice. We get to create these memories. Every situation can have a positive or negative effect on us, and we get to put the value of each experience on it ourselves.

Life doesn’t happen to us. We create it.

We create life every second. That also means life can change within a second. It all depends on the choices that we make.

Maybe that’s the reason I believe that true love is a choice. Feelings are not something we can control or that last.

Choices are always within our control and can make lasting changes. So choosing life, choosing yourself, and choosing the people in your life are the biggest forms of showing love that we can give. It’s also visible. Feelings aren’t always obvious, but choices are.

So maybe by choosing to relive the beautiful memories instead of the hurtful ones, we are also showing ourselves how much we love this life and how we are choosing ourselves?

Lots of love,

Me