Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

You asked me a lot of accusing questions a few days ago. You also said that you needed to feel that for a while, so I let you. I am noticing, however, that those questions about your love life are also starting to affect other parts of life, so I wanted to respond to your questions.

I won’t tell you that you are wrong and I won’t explain why I feel differently to you, because I feel like that would alienate you and make you defensive (as it should). I don’t want to take anything from you because everything you feel is legit and has its reasons. Everything you question has a purpose and most likely is there to protect you. You will let go of it when you are ready. I am not the one to decide that for you. All I can do is show you why I think the way I do.

I feel like the main question was: How dare I believe that I am worthy of love? How dare I believe that I am special?

How dare I not believe that? How dare I believe that I am useless or not enough? How dare I not cherish the effort and work that I have put into myself? How dare I not cherish the life that I have built for myself? How dare I not acknowledge my strengths as well as my weaknesses? How dare I not believe that someone would see me the same way as I do?

Why would I believe that I am less than and fulfil that belief if I could believe that I am more than and also fill that belief? Why would I want to live a life in which I make myself smaller and don’t have enough space to breathe when I have the option to take up space and live a life that is expandable?

I get that it feels safer to stay small and live a life that is too small because then you don’t have to worry about what happens in the open space and you have better control over what happens in that space… but that’s what I believe trust is for. I trust that everything will be OK because I trust myself to be able to handle anything that comes along.

And so what if I am being delusional in believing that everything will align and I will find the person that falls head over heels without me even realising?

I believe that it would be a big deal if I was scared of being alone when I am seventy years old. I think it would be a big deal if I wanted to have kids and a family. I think it would be a big deal if I had plans that I could not fulfil on my own.

But I am lucky. I am OK with never being married again. I am OK without children. I am OK without a family. I feel like a whole person on my own. I can fulfil my goals and dreams on my own. Even the dream or goal of having a healthy relationship is being fulfilled on my own. So it’s OK for me if I’ll never be enough for the fantasy that I dream of.

Would I be sad if I turned seventy and never met the person that I dream of? Of course… but it wouldn’t take away from all the beautiful things that I will have experienced until then. It’s OK because I won’t waste my life or my time waiting.

My goal in having a partner isn’t to start living or to become someone or something. I don’t need the label of “girlfriend” or “wife” to be able to be something.

I am something because I am a person. I am so much more than a “girlfriend” or “wife”. Those titles don’t really carry meaning for me anymore… maybe that’s the reason why I say that I would like to have a partner… because the titles “boyfriend” or “husband” don’t mean the same to me as “partner”.

I would like to live a full life and maybe one day share that with someone. If it doesn’t happen, then I have still lived a full life.

The thing that scares me more than being delulu and never meeting that person is having spent all my time trying to meet someone I like enough to spend a lot of time with, and having wasted that time because I didn’t use it to do things that I really want to do.

I want to travel and meet people. I want to try new things and get to know me. I want to learn as much as I can and try as many hobbies and interests as I can find.

How would I have the time for that if all I do is look for someone I don’t even know exists? How could I enjoy all that if all I do is focus my attention on other things? How could I look back on my life at seventy and not regret my life if all I did was date and look for “the one”?

So I guess I would rather be delulu and hope that the right person knocks on my door while I do the things that fulfil me and my life. I don’t know if I am enough for the right person. I don’t know if I will ever meet the right person. So I would rather focus on the things I can guarantee.

I can guarantee that my life will be fulfilled.

So maybe I shouldn’t focus on dating? Maybe I should just focus on loving myself enough so that if I meet the right person, I’ll be ready?

This post just made me more confused…

I feel like I am not enough for the right person. I also don’t care if I meet the right person. But I want to meet the right person. I know who I want to date, but I have no idea if I want to date.

But does it really have to be one of those things… maybe I haven’t made up my mind yet because I don’t have to choose yet? Maybe I am not enough yet because I don’t have to be? Maybe I am not enough yet because I haven’t experienced the situations yet that make me enough? Maybe I am trying to force a decision that doesn’t have to be made. I don’t have all the information that I need to choose.

I want to trust myself enough to know that I will make the right decisions when the time comes… so the only real question I will leave with is this:

What am I truly striving towards? Is it a partner? Or is it something else?

Thank you for pushing me and venting. It has truly helped me, even if it left me more confused than before.

Lots of love,

Me