Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I used the last posts to build myself up because I was feeling very down. I felt down because of the topic “relationship”.

In my last post I talked about letting go of the things that I identified with to give me worth and “girlfriend” was one of those things that I have let go of because I don’t use that title anymore. I do feel like I crave that title sometimes when I am letting go of something that I identified as something that gives me worth.

When I think back on my life I know that “girlfriend” had always been the thing that made me believe that I was special and I get why you would feel like I am neglecting you. I have been refusing to allow you to be a girlfriend for the last five years. You have not had that title for five years… which can be frustrating when the longest that we have gone without being someone’s girlfriend up to this point has been about six months or maybe a year. And even in that time we were always looking for the next person who would want to make us their girlfriend.

When I look back on that time I also see another pattern. Every time we were someone’s girlfriend, we needed to be more than the girlfriend. When we had our first “real” boyfriend, we wanted to be engaged. When we were engaged, we wanted to be married. When we were married, we needed a dog. There has always been this next thing that we needed to feel fulfilled.

We were never satisfied with where we were. We were always striving for the next best thing. We were always striving for that next title.

I feel like we were always so in awe of the people that could love us. We always thought that those people who chose to be with us were so amazing because they could see something that I couldn’t see. They could see how great I am when I couldn’t see it. I always knew that I was great. I always had the feeling that I was great but I couldn’t see it. So someone choosing me over everyone else let me see it through their eyes.

I may not have seen what was so great about me but I saw that I was great enough to be chosen.

Am I maybe craving a relationship because I am leaving behind a place that showed me my greatness? Am I maybe craving a relationship because there is a part of me that’s not choosing me right now?

Or am I maybe craving a relationship because I am choosing something different from what I am used to and I need that familiarity?

Is there anything in my life right now that is familiar?

I honestly don’t think there is. I am watching shows I have never watched before. I am developing friendships that are healthy. I am building a business with other people as support in a field that is new to me. I am moving to a job where I am not the smartest person in an environment that is structured and healthy. Even with myself. I don’t spend my whole day just lying in bed watching TV and being on my phone, trying to drown out life and my thoughts. I am actually trying to understand me and enjoy what I do.

It makes sense why I am craving something that I know. But the problem is: if I were to get into a relationship right now, I would probably choose to be in a dysfunctional one because it would be familiar and I am craving familiar right now. I am craving the dysfunction of a toxic environment.

I would love to start dating. But I feel like I would let someone into my life just because instead of actively choosing them to be in my life because I have so much space in it at the moment.

I have a lot of time to fill right now and if I were to date, then I would probably fill my time with men… and probably not good men.

I want to fulfil your craving for connection. I just can’t do it in the way you want right now because we would be doing it for the wrong reasons, which would open us up to hurt and abuse.

We can’t always avoid pain. We shouldn’t do things just to avoid pain. We should do things because we truly believe that it is something that we should be doing.

If I had someone in my life right now, whom I was convinced that I should be dating, then I would give you that in a heartbeat. I just don’t have that urge or that conviction right now.

So I have to choose the other pain. I have to choose the pain of disappointing and hurting you to protect you.

Both choices are painful. Both choices are shit. Both choices are heartbreaking.

But one choice is one that you have made a thousand times and the other is one that you have never made consciously.

Every time we have been at exactly this point, we have made the choice to give dating another try. To actively choose to date. Every time we have been disappointed. Usually within a couple of hours.

We have never consciously made the choice to not date. So I would like to choose being single now. I would like to choose being open to just experience life. Dating is a part of life and if someone wants to date me then that’s fine, but I would like to choose not to look for it. I would like to choose to enjoy every moment as it comes.

Being single to me means being able to do whatever I want when I want to without having to consider anyone else in my decisions. So I can date as long as it’s casual. I could even date multiple people if I want to. I would like to try life without seeking a relationship.

So I am choosing to be single at seventy years old. I am choosing to be single until I am seventy years old. When I have experienced life and I am about to kick the bucket, that’s when I will look for a husband. I have almost forty years to enjoy my life and I will worry about a husband when I am too old to care for myself.

I’ll get married at seventy five.

I am actually ok with that choice.

He’ll have to listen to all the great things I did while he was waiting for me to be ready to meet him. I’ll have great stories to tell.

I have forty years just for me. I like that idea.

I hope you do too.

Lots of love

Me