Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I feel abandoned. I want to say it’s because of the “40-Year-Rule” but I think it’s deeper…

I know that when you say that we will start looking for a husband in 40 years, you don’t mean that we will only allow ourselves to have a husband in 40 years’ time. I know that if someone great who we want to keep in our lives turns up, then we are allowed to date him and start a relationship.

I still feel abandoned even though I know that… I’m thinking that it might be because I am alone now and I have taken away the option of finding someone in the near future. I feel like it’s unfair. I feel like you are taking a toy away from me…

It feels like you are taking something away that belonged to me…

It’s not even that you are taking the person away but that you are taking the task away…

Did I identify with the task of finding my life-partner?

Did I feel like my goal was finding a partner… If my goal is finding a partner, then I probably set the goal wrong…

I remember a friend telling me about her journey in weight gain. She said that she set herself the goal of gaining weight but never specified a number that she wanted to reach, so her body gave her the opportunity to gain weight all the time. Every time she gained weight, she lost it again so she could gain weight again.

Am I doing the same thing? If my goal is to find a partner, then life will always give me a way to find something, right? Isn’t finding something another way of saying that you want to look for something?

So does that mean I should maybe rethink my phrasing?

To do that I probably need to know what a relationship means to me…

So why do I want to find a relationship? Why do I feel like it belongs to me? Why do I want to keep it close to my heart? What would change with having a relationship? Why do I want to find a relationship when I don’t like the changes that it would bring?

Why do I want a relationship? I think having a partner by my side would make me feel like I made it. It would make me feel like I am actually lovable. It would make me feel like I don’t have to love myself on my own anymore. It would make me feel like someone sees how special I am. It would let me have someone by my side who fills my cup for me, so that I don’t have to do it on my own anymore. It would allow me to fall apart and rest on someone else for a while…

I feel like I have to keep everything together and have to be ready to fight all the time, because there is so much change happening in my life at the moment. I want to have someone in my life who I can lean on and who’ll carry my burden for a little while…

While writing this, I am realising that I shouldn’t be looking for a partner but rather a therapist or someone else who could help me. Someone who gets paid to do so.

If I were to accept a relationship right now, I would do it because of all the wrong reasons… I get that now.

I guess I also get why I sometimes crave a relationship so much. Those are the moments when I just want to put everything down and let someone else live for me for a little while.

I am also realising how much I have grown in the last 5 years…

Even though life is still a burden and I would like to have a little break from it, I don’t feel like it’s so heavy that I can’t carry it. It’s a little uncomfortable, yes, but if I were to go somewhere for a weekend and just enjoy myself, then I would be ok again…

When I look back 5 years ago, I would have been depressed and maybe even suicidal right now, because I would have been so overwhelmed by everything that I would not have been able to carry it…

So yeah, right now is uncomfortable and I wish I could give it to someone else right now, but it is still bearable. I’ll carry on as usual, as long as it is bearable.

I also know that even this will be over soon. When I have settled into my “new life”, then I will be ok. Then I can start doing more again. Until then I will stay still and try to adjust to the changes that have occurred in the last year.

I guess now I know what it really means when I crave a relationship… It also makes sense why I couldn’t “get rid” of the craving by loving me more… I can’t love myself into being strong… I have to train to be strong. And I train by enduring until I can’t anymore.

Even accepting good things has to be endured if I’m not used to it.

That actually makes me really sad.

But it is what it is…

I’ll sit with these thoughts for a few days and see if it resonates or if it might be something different…

Lots of love

Me