Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I think the last post was a bit more on the funny side of things but I have to admit, that I don’t feel comfortable writing or talking about my feelings in that way, when they are to be actually taken seriously.

I feel like I used to use humour a lot to cope with what happened in my past and I know that when I do that I am not able to process the feelings as I would like to.

Maybe because my body and brain don’t understand that what I am saying isn’t something I think is good, positive or acceptable when I am joking and laughing about it?

My theory is, that I wasn’t able to process my feelings in the past because I would always talk about those things with a smile on my face or a laugh in my throat.

How was my body supposed to know that I am sad about what happened when I was laughing? I was sending mixed signals to myself. I wasn’t communicating with myself that those aren’t experiences that I want.

Thinking back on it I realise that I told my subconscious in a way, that I was happy about those experiences without meaning to. I wouldn’t talk about how bad they were, I would only state the facts while smiling about it.

That would also explain, why I was caught in the cycle of always repeating the same situations. If I am telling my subconscious, that I am looking for these situations, it’s going to find those and lead me to them.

I feel like that makes sense…

It also makes me really proud of myself that I was able to get out of this cycle of, well… self-harm really. Especially if I think about the fact that I did it without realising.

All I did was stop laughing at things I didn’t think were funny… That also led to me not laughing at the horror stories I could tell from my life.

And by not laughing or smiling about it any more, I was able to break free from looking for those situations and was able to look for new situations that I actually wanted to be in.

Not only situations but a life that I actually want to live.

I actually want to wake up in the morning and go to work. I want to be where I am right now. I want to live the way I live at the moment.

I have actually become the person that I always wanted to be.

Not just on the outside but completely. I always wanted to be someone who experiences things and who is actually joyful.

You probably know these people in shows… the ones who are so whimsical and joyful that you cannot help but love them. The ones who have a million different interests but this one that makes them so adorable. They are not scared to be themselves and aren’t the most popular person but they always have people that want to be around them.

That person. That’s who I always wanted to be. Someone who is just happy to be in their own little world.

That’s the person that I have become.

I truly got to realise that on the weekend. I was out with a friend and we were in town just going from one bar to the other and I felt like the main character of my story. We were the ones having the most fun, just dancing to the music and singing along. Just feeling good about ourselves and we didn’t care about what others thought.

We probably weren’t the ones who had the most fun… others had fun too. But it felt that way. It felt like my life was finally mine. My stage was finally mine and I was the one people came to see.

It felt amazing and I am so proud of myself for finally reaching this point. Especially for feeling more and more confident in myself even when I am out and about. Even when I am in a place with hundreds of people.

I feel like this is the reason I never gave up. A part of me knew that this was waiting and I am honestly so grateful, that I am allowed to experience it.

So thank you for holding on and thank you for fighting. I can finally say, the war is over. We made it.

Lots of love

Me