Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

It’s still kinda weird to write the greeting like that… It would also feel weird to greet “you”. Just “Hey” doesn’t feel right either… Maybe I’m still in this in-between of getting used to the new and letting go of the old?

That would also explain the way I feel at the moment. I feel like everything is surreal. At the same time old feelings are coming up, like feeling like I do everything wrong and like I am not enough.

Everything feels weird at the moment. I am living the life that I wanted to live and at the same time I am looking back.

It feels like I am standing at the edge of a cliff. I could be looking at the beautiful sea, I could feel the wind in my face and feel free, but I decided to turn around and look at the path that I have already taken and I refuse to embrace the new.

Why would I do that?

Ok, I’ll admit that it is scary to stand at the edge of a cliff and it probably feels safer to look at the landscape and the known.

It also causes me to miss the beauty of the waves crashing against the rocks, I am missing the smell of the sea and I am missing the vast endless view of nothing but water.

I am looking back at my feelings that I have had in the past when I got to this point because it feels familiar. It feels safe. But I am also missing the beautiful things that I have created in my life.

Because I am feeling like I have done everything wrong, even though that isn’t the case, and because I feel like I haven’t earned the life that I am living, I am missing the fact that I have a job that allows me to actually live my life, with colleagues that I like and that like me, with a boss that encourages me to grow instead of using me to grow themselves, and friends that actually want to see me succeed.

I am noticing how I am slipping into this phase where I am paralysed. A phase where I cannot motivate myself to do anything and where I am like an injured animal that needs to take care of its wounds.

There are probably a lot of things that I am ready to let go of… I am just not brave enough right now to face them. I just may not be ready to feel them right now.

So here is me holding myself accountable: I am fully aware that there are things that I need to feel. I am choosing not to do it right now because I don’t feel ready. I am giving myself 3 days to run from this. After these 3 days I will have to do something about it.

Three days are doable. I have three days to just survive and pretend it’s nothing.

Then I will have to sit down and do something about it.

Three days to get ready for whatever is hiding from me.

I am probably making a really big deal of it and in the end it’s going to be like 30 minutes of crying and then I’m done…

It would technically be better to just get it over with now…

But I refuse to force myself to do something I don’t want to do.

If I decide to want to deal with myself at any point within those three days then fine, but otherwise I will deal with it on Monday.

I am ok with that.

Lots of love

Me