Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey Me,

I talked about standing at a cliff and looking away from it in my last post, to see the landscape instead.

Am I looking back to see that it’s safe?

Am I letting old feelings resurface to check if they are true? To let my old strategy resurface to see if it’s still functional? If it is still working?

Am I feeling like I am not enough to make sure that I am being realistic and don’t get disappointed?

Am I feeling like I haven’t earned this life to not be disappointed when it gets taken away?

Am I feeling like I did everything wrong to be prepared when I get into trouble?

If so, then I know for sure that it is safe. The demons that haunted me are gone. And if there are some, then it’s fine. Even if they push me off the cliff, I’ll be fine. I know how to swim and I am not high enough for it to injure me fatally.

And even if it would kill me… I would be ok with that too. I have nothing that I regret. I have nothing that I still have to do. I am at a point in my life now where I am adding to my life.

I have been to Scotland, I have been married, I have been divorced, I have learned to stand on my own two feet, I have managed to let go of the things that hurt me, I got the apology that I had been craving from my mum, and I have learned to defend myself.

I have also achieved letting go of all the things that were holding me back. I am not depressed anymore, I don’t have anxiety anymore and I have actually achieved a happy life with a lot of interests and I have built things that fulfil me (like this blog).

So even if I get hurt or fall, it’s fine. If I get hurt, I know that I will heal again. If I die, there is nothing that I would regret not doing.

I am grateful for the strategies that I developed to survive, because they brought me to the place I am now.

The thing is, I want to look at the sea. I want to feel the wind on my face. I want to feel scared by the ocean.

I want to see what’s next because I already know what has been.

I watched a K-drama a few weeks ago. They were talking about being scared of the future and being scared of history repeating itself. She said that you have lived yesterday but you haven’t lived tomorrow. So even though the situations may be similar, it could end completely differently. That’s how I want to live. I want to see every day as a new opportunity to change the ending.

I love that drama. It taught me a lot and actually gave a lot of great advice. It’s called “Because This Is My First Life”. The name is about the fact that it’s ok to make mistakes and to not know everything because we are all experiencing life for the first time.

That’s the key, isn’t it? We are experiencing life for the first time. Where is the beauty in not making mistakes? Where is the experience in getting it right every single time? Where is the joy in being frustrated and then succeeding?

I want to look at the sea. I want to see what’s coming next because I want to experience as much as possible in this first time living.

I want to be as human as possible in my first life.

So I want to let go of the past. I want to be grateful for the experience and be able to move forward with the knowledge I gained.

I want to make new mistakes.

So let’s do that soon.

Lots of love

Me