Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I promised that I would come back after three days to process what’s going on. To see why I feel like a failure and why I feel so negative about life… I also want to find out why I’m eating more again.

I said that my blog will probably become less about processing my feelings and more about sharing my journey and my successes, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have to process things again.

I bet when I actually start dating someone again, I will have to process a lot… not as much as I used to, but more than now.

Talking about dating someone somehow hit a nerve… I don’t know why. I just know that it hurts.

The thought of dating someone actually makes me cry…

Why does it make me cry? It feels like grief… The thought of dating someone feels like losing a part of me. It feels like a loss. It feels like dating someone would mean losing what I have built for myself.

It also feels like betrayal. It feels like I would betray myself if I were to actually date someone.

How dare I be happy. Not just happy on my own, but with another person? How dare I have everything that I have ever wanted without having to suffer for it?

How dare I be happy?

That’s the question. How do I allow myself to have the audacity not just to live, to want to live, but actually to have a happy life?

How dare I be happy when every other version was literally dying to have what I have now?

How dare I? How dare I believe that I am worthy of this life? How dare I believe that I am worthy of the space I occupy? How dare I believe that I am allowed to have this life?

The more that I ask myself these questions, the more I feel like these aren’t my questions. I feel like this is what I have been taught to think. Every time I felt good about myself or was just happy living, someone came and tore me down.

So is this my defence mechanism that is trying to pull me down before someone else gets the chance to?

If so, then I am actually happy to say that there is no one in my life who is actively trying to pull me down. I know of one or two people who would be jealous and maybe envious, but they would never actively try to pull me down to make themselves feel better. They use it as a catalyst to reach their own goals.

I don’t have people in my life anymore who are able to keep me down. I have actually managed to free myself of them.

So I am allowed to be happy. I am allowed to have the audacity. I am allowed to be free.

I am allowed because I have worked for this. Even if I hadn’t worked for this, I would still be allowed to enjoy life because that’s what it’s there for.

And as for my past: I want to enjoy life and be greedy with life because I want to enjoy it for myself and for my past. I want to use it to honour my past self. She would have deserved this life as well.

So I hope that I let myself feel this grief. No, I know I will let myself feel this grief. I might not use my own situation, but I will use shows and movies to allow myself to feel what I can’t reach.

I will be fine.

And when that person that I want to be with comes along, then I will be OK too. It might take a while, but when I consider what I have already achieved, then I know that I will be able to do that too.

Lots of love

Me