Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

Thank you for surviving. I know I have had some posts about this, but today I am just so grateful. Not just for surviving because you made it, but also because of the life that I am allowed to live because of it.

It may not sound different to my other posts because the words are the same, but it feels different today. The thank you before felt like I was just glad to be alive and grateful for the fight I went through. Today I am not just grateful for the fight but also for the choice.

I used to hate myself every time I chose to live instead of lose. I used to hate how weak I was for choosing to live instead of just leaving everything behind and choosing to end the suffering in the best way I thought possible. I used to hate the fact that my body would keep waking up in the mornings instead of just giving up. I used to hate everything about my will to live and my “weakness” to keep choosing to live.

Today I am grateful for that weakness. Today I am grateful that I hated myself.

I am allowed to meet people I thought only existed in my imagination because I was so weak. I am allowed to meet a different version of myself because I was so weak. I am allowed to experience a life that was hidden from me until now because I kept choosing to live one more day.

And sometimes that’s it. Sometimes it’s the promise to just fight one more day. Sometimes it’s just about surviving that one day. Then the next. And one more just to prove something to yourself.

Surviving that one day led to surviving that one week, then to surviving one month, then to surviving one year. Surviving that situation. Surviving myself.

Surviving myself led to rescuing myself.

That’s what I did, didn’t I? I survived the day, the week, the month, the year, the situation, and myself to rescue the person that could not just survive but actually live and exist without fearing life and basically herself.

Is that the difference to the other posts? I am not grateful for surviving the life I had but surviving myself, my thoughts, my wishes, and my mindset?

Putting it like that makes me feel incredible. I didn’t just have to fight the war that I was given every day. I also had to fight the war I created myself, and I won. I won against all the odds.

If I was a race horse, I would probably have had the worst stats and still came first place.

In the end, my biggest enemy wasn’t the people around me, but me. I was my biggest enemy. I was hero, villain, and victim all at the same time.

So thank you for not just surviving the external war but also the war you created within yourself every single day.

I used to think that hope was my biggest weakness, because it kept me going.

But I understand now why hope is the biggest fear of someone wanting to destroy a person.

Having hope gives you strength beyond anything imaginable.

In the end, it turns out that my biggest weaknesses in the past were my biggest strengths. I just didn’t understand it at the time.

So thank you for fighting in every way you knew how to.

Thank you for making the impossible possible.

Thank you for choosing one more day, when one more day seemed like the biggest mistake.

Thank you.

Lots of love

Me