Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I just realised what kind of privilege it is to be able to say, “I will start the new year without a plan or goal.”

How amazing it is that I trust myself enough to be able to say, “One year is just to see how far I have come and to see how much I can trust the life I have built.” I don’t have to think about how I will reinforce boundaries if crossed, because I trust myself enough to notice it in real time and draw consequences as needed. I don’t have to think about how my year needs to pan out because I trust myself enough to make the most of it just by existing and following my wishes when needed. I don’t have to think about how I can get the most out of the year because I trust myself to make the right decisions when needed to advance how I want.

Right now I am not scared of hanging in the air, waiting to find a place to land, because in the air is where I want to be.

I know that I won’t be here forever, because the only thing that is constant is change. So I am sure that I will at some point either end up on the ground or caught mid-air.

I feel like I am in the middle of a parachute jump right now. I am at that point where I feel like I am weightless. Where time stands still and I am just enjoying the free fall.

I have to admit that I have never been parachute jumping, but I think this is what it would feel like.

This effortless glide. The wind in the face, but not yet noticing the ground coming closer. Feeling closer to heaven than to earth.

Knowing that the moment is nearing when you get pulled back to reality, when the chute opens and yanks you back, but not caring because this is the most free you have ever felt.

I hope that the year will be exactly that for me. The freedom before reality hits again.

But even when reality hits, I will still be in the air and living my best life. It won’t mean I will be pulled back. It just means that I have a safer way to land where I am meant to land. I have trained for it and I will be ready for it.

Right now I am just so amazed at myself for allowing me to jump and experience this for once, to allow myself to just be and be free.

Had I tried this a year ago, I don’t think I would have been able to do it. I would have been too scared of how I would react and where I would end up.

It just shows how far I have come this year.

It’s now time to reap what I sowed five years ago and to truly bask in the fruits of my labour.

I feel like this letter is more of an abstract one to myself, but I think this one isn’t about clearing anything up or explaining anything. I think this is one that is just about conveying feelings in words and pictures.

I don’t think this is a post meant to be understood. It’s meant to be felt.

It’s meant to ignite.

It’s meant to be. To just exist.

Sometimes it’s ok not to be understood, as long as I know what is meant.

I think this is what this post is about.

It’s about knowing what is meant without understanding.

And if it is understood, then that’s just a bonus.

Good luck.

Lots of love

Me