Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I feel like my writing has actually changed… I feel like it’s not as wounded as it used to be. I feel like it’s becoming more abstract and matter of fact?

I am, in a way, proud of me for having gotten to this point and not having to bleed all over to heal. At the same time, I miss the emotional tone and being able to bleed over my pages.

I kind of miss opening those wounds, cleaning them and sewing them back up.

Right now, all I can do is watch them heal as I change the bandages.

One day there will only be a little scar left and, if I’m lucky, there won’t even be that left in the future.

Who am I without those wounds? Who am I without those scars? Will I remember the injuries?

Maybe it’s like the time when I tore my ligaments and my kneecap popped out? I know it happened… and I think it was my left leg… but I don’t feel it anymore and I am not even sure if it was the left leg. I have to think about it really hard and have to put myself back into that situation to even realise which leg it could have been, but I am not sure because I don’t feel it anymore. I feel no difference between the knees…

Will the same thing happen with my past hurts?

Will I lose the memories that I am so grateful for now? Will I lose the wounds that have saved me so many times?

Who am I without that?

I never thought about this when I started healing because I didn’t even think this was possible.

It’s funny how life works… I wanted to lose my traumas and now that I am at the edge of achieving it… I am scared to let go.

Maybe I won’t even notice them leaving and one by one they’ll leave into nothingness. Then in five or ten years’ time I will look for them but won’t find them… maybe I won’t even look?

Maybe I’ll feel so safe within myself that I won’t feel like I have to rely on them?

Life is truly unpredictable… How did I ever have the illusion of control? How was I able to gaslight myself into thinking that I was in charge of my life? It’s kind of laughable right now.

But that’s life… a great big lump of chaos here for us to just enjoy and play with.

Lots of love

Me