Enough for what?

Hey me,

I am going to out myself as a nerd right now… ok… maybe I’m not… I think anyone following my blog will know I am a nerd… Or would they? Maybe they would suspect it but not know?

Either way: I am a nerd… there it is.

Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I have made an interesting observation and I thought about Iroh from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

I noticed that the more I heal and the more I try to find words for things that cannot be described, the more abstract I become. When I find an image of something that I feel describes something in my life perfectly, I will use that as a reference point and sometimes forget that others don’t have those references… So I sound kinda abstract or weird?

Like, I love the visual of building a foundation for life to build a house for life on.

Most people will know what I mean when I talk about building a foundation, but I think I would lose people if I started to talk about the garden or the walls or the rooms. I don’t think they would understand everything I am saying.

Same with the flow. Sometimes I imagine life as a river… so I might use something that makes sense to me, but people look at me funny as if to suggest, “WTF are you talking about?”

This reminds me of Iroh and how he says things that sound so abstract, but after a while we get it…

I am asking myself: what does that say about me? Is there something to learn about? Is it something to lean into? Is it something to use consciously?

Maybe I could use it to become a guru… Like make videos explaining things in my “language” without explaining what it means XD That would be kinda funny… It would probably confuse a lot of people… I bet there would be a lot of people that are like, “yeah! Exactly!” but have no idea what I mean…

The image is really funny to me… I guess what I am scared of is someone calling the police and I would be committed into a hospital involuntarily…

It would be very interesting though to live life as a crazy person… What would it be like to be the neighbourhood crazy lady who goes round saying nonsense?

It would probably be lonely… maybe even dangerous… so no. I won’t be a crazy cat person… shame.

This brings me back to about 10 years ago… I used to say that intelligent people that can’t articulate themselves sound crazy, dumb people who know how to talk seem smart, and intelligent people who know how to articulate are geniuses. This ties back to that. It also reminds me of the time I realised how smart a colleague was, who just wasn’t able to speak German or English.

Why is it that we only understand people when we understand their language? Why is it that we only see people in a specific way when we believe to understand their words?

It’s a little sad to think about how much that limits us and the relationships to others. But at the same time: how would we change that?

I am realising right now what my biggest fear for my blog is right now… I fear that my content isn’t as deep or emotional anymore and that I either become boring or maybe bore people…

Are my thoughts that are not about pain and suffering but, to me, mundane things interesting? Am I interesting without my pain and suffering?

Am I enough if I stop fighting to survive and let myself live?

Why is it always this question? Why do I have to be enough? Be enough for what? What do I want to be enough for? Enough for the right to exist? Enough to be loved? Enough to be me? Enough to be allowed to be here?

Why do I have to prove to be enough? Why can’t I just be?

This actually makes me kinda angry and annoyed right now. Why do I always ask myself if I am enough?