Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I guess the great big lump of chaos has started to show itself, and I have to admit that I am kinda regretting my decision to just be this year.

I did a tarot reading for someone yesterday and it completely confused me. It felt like the reading wasn’t just for him but also for me. I didn’t intend to do a love reading… all it was supposed to be was a reading about the next year. But after reading about his professional life, I suddenly pulled cards about his love life.

I don’t know if I felt like it was about me because I have been wishing for a reading like that for years or because it actually was about me…

That’s why I wanted to write this today, because I usually feel clearer within myself when I write about the things that confuse me.

Was this reading about me? A part of me wants to say yes and another says no…

Why do I want to say yes? Because then my waiting would finally be over. If it truly was about me, then I would be able to put everything to rest. I would be able to finally close that chapter completely.

Why am I saying no? Because he isn’t my person. He is amazing and I definitely want him to stay a part of my life because I enjoy the time we spend together, but I know he isn’t meant to be my person.

He is close to the person that I would want to be with… but I know that three things make me believe that this reading wasn’t about me.

Three things that are very real reasons for me not to pursue anything more than a friendship.

Still, it hurts a lot to read something like that for someone else when I have been hoping for a reading like that for years…

I would like to do a reading for myself now… but I promised myself I wouldn’t.

Would it be ok to break that promise? Would I be able to handle that reading for myself? Or would I go back to obsessing about it? Would I go back to obsessing about when it’s finally my turn?

Do I even want a relationship or do I just want to be chosen?

If I were serious about just letting life happen, then I wouldn’t do the reading, right?

At the same time, I am so curious about how my reading might have changed from a year ago. Or has it been longer?

I would like to know how much I have changed since the last time I did a reading about my love life.

What if I don’t set a specific goal but just let the cards talk… if they decide to tell me about my love life, then ok. If they don’t tell me about it, then that’s fine too.

I would be ok with that. I feel like I wouldn’t break my promise and I wouldn’t obsess about it that way.

I have to admit that it does hurt in a way to be so close and still so far from what I have been wanting for the last five years. It hurts to have a moment where I feel like “YES! It’s finally my turn!” just to have it pulled away just as fast.

But it’s nice to know that I am getting closer and that what I hope and wish for could actually be a reality now.

As much as it hurts, it also gives me hope.

As long as there is hope, there is a way.

Lots of love

Me