Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

Have I finally managed to find my middle? Am I finally brave enough to feel the subtle ache? Am I finally able to open up without losing myself?

I feel like the answer to all these questions is yes… I am finally able to admit to myself that there is a part of me that wants to have a partner. But for the first time it’s not because I want him to carry my burden, because it doesn’t feel like I am carrying one right now.

Right now it’s more about watching a movie or a series together. I don’t want to have someone in my life right now because I need to talk to someone or because I need someone to do something with me. It’s literally just me wanting to share something that I enjoy with someone that enjoys it too.

Right now all I want is for someone to sit with me and watch a funny K-Drama. Someone who I can talk to about it while it’s happening. Someone who laughs with me or is just as frustrated. Someone who laughs about how invested I am in something as silly as a drama.

I think it’s the first time that I am not thinking about what a partner could or would do for me, but it’s about me wanting to share my abundance with someone.

I feel like I have so much joy and happiness right now that I just want to share it with people.

It’s not even about having a partner, is it? It’s about having so many good things right now that I want to share them with others. I feel a little lonely because I have too much.

There is this image in my head where I went out to pick some apples and took a really big basket with me. I didn’t think that I would be able to fill it, so I just kept picking apples. Now I have so many that I can’t carry it alone. I would like to give some away, but either the people don’t want to take them or there are no people around. I would like to go somewhere to share the apples, but I can’t carry them.

Is that maybe what my blog could be for now, or maybe TikTok? That I share my happiness there? I don’t know. I know that people seem to want to tear people down, and honestly I am a little scared that I will let people tear me down. So maybe I am not ready for that yet.

So the question is: how do I share my apples in a way that feels comfortable enough for me without being too much for other people?

I am just realising that this is literally a luxury problem that I have. Who can say, “I have too much happiness and I don’t know how to share it”?

What do I even do with such a realisation?

How do I share my happiness while maintaining boundaries and being safe?

Every step brings a new challenge with it… I guess that’s why some people stop at some point. It can be very exhausting to have to figure something new out after just having solved something.

But honestly… it is so rewarding to feel that accomplishment, and I am so glad that I have learned to take my time after each step to appreciate the solution that I came up with, and maybe have a look at the view that has opened up because of it.

It is an exhausting way, but the scenery makes it so worth it… I would have never thought five years ago that I would be at a point where I would want to share myself with other people… but here I am trying to figure that out.

There are no words for the appreciation, gratitude, and love that I feel for myself right now. It feels like my heart is expanding from so many wanted and positive emotions that it is literally pressing out the past hurt… It feels like it is expanding so much that there is just no room for wanting to hide or wanting to make myself small. I know it’s just a temporary feeling for now, but it gives me hope that maybe one day it can be permanent.

That would probably be my greatest accomplishment if I were able to get there.

To know that I went from “having no room for me” to “having no room for indifference” would be the end. It would mean that I would end my healing journey, because for me there would be nothing left to heal.

Is this my goal? Am I seeing the end? Is this the reason why I couldn’t let go of the goal to find a healthy relationship? Because I didn’t have the right thing to replace it with yet?

We’ll see how things go from here… but no matter what comes next, I am so proud of myself for reaching this point, and it’s okay if I stay here for a while, because this point is the first goal that I had set myself. I have actually accomplished my first goal I set myself when I started my journey.

Wow.

Just: wow.

It wasn’t even a goal I knew I was chasing, but it was the goal that made everything else possible.

Funny how we sometimes forget how amazing we are, because we are so focused on the things we are not.

Lots of love

Me