Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I have a few thoughts that I feel are connected, but I don’t know how.

1. Thought: I would be an amazing hunter.

2. Thought: I don’t want to actively chase healing anymore.

3. Thought: I am sometimes very annoyed at myself for how I react.

First: I think I would be an amazing hunter because I have spent the last five years hunting myself. What do I mean? I was always a person who tried to get somewhere head-on. When I wanted to reach a goal, I would go straight for it. Like a hunter shooting an arrow at a deer.

But then I realised that I am not a deer. I am more of a rabbit. So my hunting style doesn’t really work for me. Shooting a rabbit with an arrow is harder because they are (maybe) faster and so much smaller. So I had to develop a different technique. I wasn’t allowed to scare myself and had to spiral my way to myself.

I have to invite myself into reflection and growth. I can’t force it or expect it. I have to trust it.

I think that’s why I prefer asking questions and philosophising in my posts rather than making statements, because it doesn’t force anything, while I am still moving towards growth.

I was able to adapt to myself, so that I was able to hunt myself better.

Secondly: I think this ties in perfectly with the first point, and maybe that’s where the connection lies.

When I think about active healing, it’s about hunting and searching for the things I want to change. But I realised that I don’t work that way. I have reached a point where I notice things that I want to avoid or do differently, and as soon as I acknowledge them, I subconsciously work towards the change.

I would like to say that “at least that’s what I think is happening”, but I know it’s happening. When I want to change something, it changes. I don’t like my job, I have a new one. I want to try coaching, a friend wants me as a coach. I want to save money, I cook more homemade meals and prepare lunch for work.

Those aren’t changes that I thought about. Those were changes that felt natural.

Now that I think about it, they feel like traps XD I thought about changing something and now it’s changed. I don’t know why, but I feel in a funny way deceived. Like “how dare I actually make my life better?” XD Bitch please, this is what I wanted!

Third: I think I may not see all of my remaining protective patterns, but I am noticing how some things that I do annoy me, and when I think about it, I realise that most of those things are things I do because they used to protect me.

So here is maybe how they all connect with each other: I annoy myself sometimes because I realise subconsciously that the things I do do not fit into the person I have become.

I don’t want to actively change them because I know trying to force it will only activate my fight or flight. So the only thing I can do is observe it, accept it, and wait until I am close enough to “catch” it.

And that’s why I think I would be an amazing hunter. I am able to catch myself.

It’s interesting how seemingly independent thoughts actually are connected.

It makes me wonder how many connections I have missed just because I didn’t follow up or lay it out in the way I did now.

I guess we’ll never know, but it might be a new way of working through things in the future. I am actually really excited about that XD

Lots of love

Me