Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I have no idea what’s going on right now… I said I’d let life happen and just see how things work out, but right now it feels like life said “challenge accepted” and is testing how much I can handle. How many positive things can I take until I run away screaming? How much love and luck can I actually accept before my nervous system says “ahhh! Leave me alone!!”?

This is definitely a “first world” problem again… If I had told myself two years ago that I would one day be in this situation, I would have laughed at myself. How could I ever be so lucky? It just wasn’t a reality I could have believed.

But now it is my reality… I have someone who wants to be coached by me. I have someone who wants to start a business with me. I have a friend who shows me exactly what my future partner would look like. I have friends who are safe and healthy. I have people who want to work with me and talk to me. I have people who want to grow with me.

How the hell did I get so lucky?

It feels like all the suffering I had to go through was to prepare me for this… It feels like all the good things that are happening right now are the other side of my past. I am allowed to have all the good things now because I have let go of the bad things. I am allowed to see the other side. I am allowed to live the other side now.

And I am not even done yet. I am still growing. I am still moving further away from the suffering.

It feels like I am finally allowed to let go of the bad luck. I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am not waiting for the bad that comes after the good.

I am not even really giving the whole thing a worth. I am not saying that all the things happening are good. I am just saying that they are happening, that I am noticing it, and that I am happy about it.

Being happy about something doesn’t make it good. Being sad about something doesn’t make it bad…

I think this is what I was trying to explain to a friend the other day. Feelings are always real. The meaning behind those feelings is what we decide on.

I was sad at the end of last year because I felt like it would be the last time that I spend New Year and Christmas alone. I was sad because it felt like I was grieving, but at the same time it was something that was good for me.

I think this is a similar situation. I see that the things happening right now have a positive effect on me, but I am not saying that they are necessarily good…

OK, a part of me is still doing it, but it’s a very small part… maybe the part that has never been in this situation, that wasn’t allowed to learn yet?

Either way… I am impressed with who I have become!

Lots of love

Me