Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I wrote about how being messy is a way to feel in control.

I am wondering: am I ready to surrender to that cleanliness? Am I ready to truly have a tidy and clean home?

I honestly don’t think I am… it feels weird to have a kitchen that I can walk into and know I don’t have to wash anything or clean the oven… So here is my idea: what if I leave one “messy” thing in every room? What if I let my little teenager live through one thing in each room?

I’m thinking: leave a spoon or cup in the sink. Leave a hair tie on the washing machine. Leave a piece of paper on the living room table.

Leave something behind that means chaos… one thing that says “this is my space”.

Maybe if I did that instead of forcing myself to always have everything put away, I could feel like it truly is my space… and who knows… with time I might actually want to decorate my space with things that interest me to make it truly my space.

I think that may be my goal… to actually want decoration because I know that I can keep it clean and because it is the thing that replaces leaving behind chaos…

When I want to buy decorations or merch, then I know that I have made it…

I can’t wait to see that!

Lots of love,

Me

P.S. I just finished writing this, and I am already noticing how my mindset has changed… I am excited to clean because now I don’t focus on all the things I “would get in trouble” for, but all the things I could leave behind. I am excited about choosing the one thing I can leave where it is instead of cleaning it. I feel rebellious and happy. I feel like “take this! I’m not going to clean that, and I am leaving it on purpose” even though I haven’t even started yet… I am actually debating whether I should maybe start cleaning the flat now, even though it’s 10 pm and I want to be in bed by 11 pm. XD