Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I think I am running away from myself… Every time I sit down to write, my head goes blank and I want to distract myself… but I have so many thoughts that I would like to talk about.

I have so many things going through my head when I am just existing. I have so many thoughts that I would like to just get a hold of and look at… but I somehow don’t seem to be able to manage that…

So let’s start simple. A thought I am able to catch: I have a friend who I met about three months ago. It is a guy who I enjoy spending time with a lot. We have spent two weekends together just watching a show, and nothing more happened… except last weekend there was a moment in which there was affection… It was really innocent but it felt like something couples do…

I haven’t had any romantic feelings for him. I honestly still don’t think I do… but I am honestly not quite sure.

I am also considering the fact that this might actually be something healthy and that I might not recognise healthy romantic attraction… What does healthy romantic attraction even look like? What does healthy sexual attraction look like?

It’s funny that my goal was to have a healthy romantic relationship and I never really thought about what it actually might look like… I have thought about what healthy relationships might look like and I thought that was about romantic relationships, but I now realise that this might not be the case… It has had the nice side effect that I actually have really nice healthy friendships, but how do I date? How do I move in a relationship? How do I set boundaries in a romantic partnership? How do I spend that much time with someone without losing myself?

I mean, going through this does show me why I have been single for this long… how am I supposed to be able to answer these questions if I don’t even know what a healthy friendship looks and feels like? I have the answers to that now… so maybe I am ready for the next level?

Next level: dating.

But honestly… what is healthy sexual behaviour? What is healthy romantic affection? What is the difference between a relationship and a friendship?

Where the hell do I even start? I did a little Google search but it didn’t really answer my questions… it just made me more irritated because all of it felt like all the things it’s not… but I don’t like knowing what it’s not. I want to know what it is. The brain doesn’t know the word “not”. So if I try to avoid the things that aren’t healthy, I will inevitably go towards the nots… So I need to know what it is so I can set course for that…

Maybe that’s why I avoided this topic? I knew I wouldn’t find answers? I don’t even know where to start… I would like to say “hey, I’ll just date my friends to be able to find out”, but that’s not right… It lacks respect and honestly it could cause so much heartache… I don’t want to toy with feelings…

That being said… I want to be courageous. I am deciding that I want to be open to the possibility of there being more. I won’t force it, but if something feels natural and like it’s ok, then I will allow it… I just have to remember to keep checking in and to always be honest with myself… I also want to keep in mind that it’s ok if I take my time. Nothing is running away and I will always be right where I am supposed to be.

I said I wouldn’t plan anything for this year and I honestly feel like this might be one crazy year for me XD

Lots of love
Me