Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I feel like there is less and less need for this blog…

I started this to have a place to write about the things that are on my mind and to gain clarity. I also wanted to show myself (and others) that it’s OK to not always have everything together or know exactly where you stand and who you are at all times. It’s a process, and a messy one at that.

I feel like I have built the life I wanted to have when I started this journey.

It was my goal to have a healthy (romantic) relationship, a support system and a regulated nervous system.

I think I have reached all of those things…

I have people in my life that support me, that I can talk to and who help me when I need it. I have people in my life that I trust and feel safe with. I am open to meeting new people and love being around the right ones I have.

I am dating an amazing person who is everything I wanted and so much more than I ever thought possible. The funny thing is: I always wanted to meet someone I was friends with and would fall in love with gradually.

That’s exactly how it happened. We both were blind to the possibility of dating each other, and then one day we realised that we really wanted to be together as a couple.

Yesterday I realised how regulated my nervous system is when my car battery died and I had no way of starting the car to get to work today. I was able to laugh about it in the situation and even had three to four possible solutions ready. Solutions that I was able to take action on myself, but also some that I could take action on with the support system I have.

Looking at the situation today, I realise that I would have been so panicked if this had happened a year ago, and now it’s just a funny situation I am in.

Maybe that’s the reason why I don’t want to keep writing this blog? I have so many things going on in my life that I just want to live it instead of writing about it?

I am at the end of the journey that I started five years ago.

When I started this journey, I told myself that I wanted a healthy romantic relationship, and I am there.

I may not be in a relationship with that person yet, but I have not one doubt that we’ll get there. I don’t doubt this one little bit.

I also know that I will be OK if it turns out that I was wrong about this. It’s going to be OK if we don’t end up in a relationship. It’s OK if he breaks my heart, because I am not doing this because it needs to end in a relationship but because I just honestly enjoy spending time with him. I enjoy talking to him and I enjoy his input.

I don’t have expectations. I don’t need this. I just want to enjoy that I am allowed to experience this. I am grateful for being allowed to experience him.

I trust myself completely with him and because of it I am able to trust him completely.

It’s weird writing a post like this about someone else, writing about him like I usually write about myself… but I think that’s a good thing because it means I don’t idolise him or hate him. I see him as an equal, and maybe that’s the only way to have a truly healthy relationship.

Maybe I don’t need to worry about all the other things, because as long as we are both equal and trust each other, all those other questions will be answered naturally?

I wanted to use this year to just see what life has in store for me, and I feel like I am truly finding that out right now. It also feels like I have just surfaced and am taking a very long breath of fresh air after being underwater for a while… well, all my life.

It feels amazing and so freeing.

And it’s only March…

I can’t wait to see what else life is waiting to give me.

Lots of love

Me