Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I think I’m going to reduce the posts to one a week. I feel like I don’t have enough to talk about for three times a week.

Well… maybe that’s not completely true… maybe the problem is that a lot of the things happening in my life right now are mainly positive and I don’t know how to write about that? Also, I am dating someone and it seems to be going towards a relationship, and I don’t feel quite comfortable writing too much about that…

I guess I am scared of this person and the topic “dating” becoming the only thing I talk and write about. I used to be consumed by my partners… to the point of losing every sense of who I am, and I guess this blog is my kind of safe space where it’s all about me. It’s only about me. So I don’t want to start talking about a man here, I don’t want to analyse him… I want to stay present with myself on this blog.

Yet, dating him is a big part of my life right now… so how could I integrate that topic without losing me?

Do I even want that? Yeah… I also want to use this blog to show my way through dealing with the “hardships” that follow when you have nothing left that felt safe in the past, even though it was toxic…

I also want to show what it’s like to have the first (seemingly) healthy relationship after only knowing toxic ones… so the question remains: how do I do that without putting the focus on him? How do I keep the focus on me and my inner world?

I guess that’s the next challenge I have to face…

I am just not convinced yet that I am right about where this is heading…

I feel like, in a way, I shouldn’t use this blog to deal with problems that occur in the relationship or the dating phase… so maybe I should keep using it as a reflection tool for myself?

But how do I separate what’s the problem in the relationship and what the problem is with me?

I guess that’s why I’ve been avoiding this… I don’t want to think about that right now… I just want to enjoy where I am right now…

Can I enjoy where I am right now for a little longer, or do I have to think about this right now?

Do I feel like I am heading towards a problem?

In a way, yeah… I just don’t know which one… maybe if I analyse it?

It feels like we are ignoring… no, not seeing something that is pretty obvious. I know that we are basically behaving like we are in a relationship, but we haven’t said that we are. Yet it’s not a situationship because we both say it’s heading that way… it’s just too fast if it happens right now. Also, a few other reasons, but those aren’t reasons against a relationship altogether… those are just reasons to wait a little longer. Which is fine because we both feel the same way about it and are in open communication.

The topic of children is also already cleared, and I think we’ll be ok there.

I think it’s me… I am just so extremely scared… He is the biggest green flag that I have ever met… not just that… he is everything that I have ever wanted in a person, and he likes me… he actually likes me. Not this “he says he likes me and I want to believe him” kind of like, but the one where when he looks at me I melt kind of like, because he makes it obvious and lets everyone know…

So what if it’s all just an act? What if I believe it because I want to believe it? What if it turns out that in a few years he isn’t who I believe him to be? What if he never liked me? What if he was never this amazing person? What if he did all that just because he wanted to see how far I’d be willing to compromise who I am?

What if I am falling for this act because I want to believe that there is actually someone like that out there?

What if I never try and all those what ifs stay exactly as they are?

What if I get hurt? What if I get betrayed again? What if he turns out to be the biggest con artist in the end?

What if he is actually that person he seems to be? What if he is actually head over heels in love with you (even if he won’t admit it yet…)? What if he actually means everything he says?

It is extremely scary to trust someone as much as I trust myself… it is extremely scary to allow someone as much room in my life as I am giving this person…

But the alternative would be asking myself “what could have been” until the end…

So am I scared? Hell yeah. Do I want to run away almost every second? Also yeah. Would I regret leaving this behind to feel safe? Also yes.

We have known each other for a little while now, and he has not given me one reason to truly doubt him in this time.

He has set healthy boundaries… even communicated these in a healthy way, he has built me up and given me space to just be myself. He has never made me feel like I was too much or not enough. He has never compared me to anyone in a way that made me feel like he wanted to be more like them. He has never made me feel like I was wrong for needing something.

The opposite, actually… he has always made me feel like I was exactly what he wanted. He has made me feel like I was more than he had ever dreamed of. He makes me feel cherished and at peace.

It seems too good to be true, really… I guess a part of me is waiting for him to finally reveal the truth… but what if this is the truth?

What if my expectation of this being bad is making it bad?

What if it’s not actually him or the situation, but my expectation of it?

What if this is actually something to just enjoy without having to fear it?

Lots of love

Me