Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I don’t know how to start… so I’ll start with: life is annoying me right now.

I have an amazing boyfriend. A person I have trusted completely until now and a person I want to keep trusting. Someone who truly just wants to see me smile and be happy, and someone who I truly respect for what he is.

And yet I am noticing how I am waiting for him to “mess up”. I am waiting for him to do that one thing that tells me that I am wrong about him. I am waiting for him to say or do something that shatters my illusion, that shatters the trust I have built, that shatters everything that I believe to be true about him.

I feel like he is reliable and safe. I also believe that he has earned that trust. I didn’t give it to him blindly. He showed me time and time again that I could trust him.

The thing is: moments that made me feel safe or helped me respect him feel like moments where he neglected me. Moments where I thought that they were something positive seem to be warning signs now.

But the only thing that has changed is how I feel about them. The situation itself hasn’t changed.

So what has changed for me?

We are in a relationship now. Usually that’s the moment when things start to go downhill. Usually one or both people change or don’t put in as much effort anymore. Usually this is the moment where things become hard…

Am I trying to brace myself for the disappointment that I am most likely going to face?

I think it might go deeper than that. I feel like I have neglected my own responsibilities. I was so focused and involved in this new person that I truly neglected my own responsibilities. I think that’s what’s making me so scared… I don’t really think it’s the fact that there is something new or that this could hurt me, but that I am neglecting the foundation I have built to lead a life that actually makes me happy.

I feel like my happiness is very dependent on him, and that’s not how I want to live my life.

I want to share my happiness with a partner, with my partner. I don’t want him to be the only cause of my happiness, and I feel like the way I am going about this right now is going to lead to exactly that outcome.

I think there are a lot of other things also scaring me, but I would be more OK with them if I felt like I had the other things in my life sorted.

I’ll try to fix what I have neglected first, and then I can have another look at how I think about this relationship, because I know that if I don’t have a stable home, then I can’t have a stable relationship. I also can’t look at things the way they are or how I want to look at them, because my survival instinct will override that. So… first regulate my life, then take another look at the relationship.

Let’s see how that goes first.

Lots of love

Me