Sarah Smith
I honestly do not know if anybody would ever be truly interested in my story, but here it is (Trigger Warning: abuse and depression):
My name is Sarah Smith, I am currently 26 years old, and I own a café in Germany.
I was born in Germany to a narcissistic mother and a psychopathic father (both undiagnosed). My father abused me as a child and my mother was a typical narcissistic mother. She preferred my brother to me because he was a wanted child and I was an accident that ruined her life. When my parents got divorced, they used us as weapons against each other and only wanted us to show their power in court. My mother won. I was always responsible for the trouble that was caused and would be used as the scapegoat. She would neglect me on a regular basis and let her anger out on me (luckily not in a physical way). This caused me to develop suicidal thoughts and depression at around the age of six. My brother and I became useless to her when she and my stepfather (who was violent at the time) had her third child. This is when she decided that it was best to send us to England to live with my father, knowing that our father would keep us from her because he promised her that she would not see us again until we were 18. Lucky for us, he allowed us to call her once a month and visit her once a year. His preferred method of “parenting” was violence but only when he was sober. When he was drunk, he would parade me around and try to sell me to the highest bidder, lucky for me he never succeeded. At least, not that I could recall. When violence didn’t work on us anymore, he switched his “parenting” style to degrading. He would use every chance that he could think of to belittle us and pin us against each other. He isolated us within our own family. We could not trust our siblings with anything and had no one else in the family to talk to. I was finally able to leave, when he threw me out of the house on a November-Night in 2011, without shoes or a coat, for setting a boundary. The story goes on but I think you get the picture.
Why am I sharing this story? Because everybody has a story. Everybody has gone through something that they carry around, and it is important to know that we are not alone. It is also important to know that every story and every feeling is valid.
The secondary reason is: I would like to show people where I come from and where I am now. It is possible to heal and have a healthy lifestyle when we are ready for it.
Where am I now?
On this day, 24. March 2021, I am sitting in my café during a lockdown that makes no sense, and I’m happy. I am optimistic about my future. I am single and enjoying life. I can wait for the right relationship, and do not need a relationship to feel fulfilled anymore. I have a mainly secure attachment style (still working on that), and I am looking forward to living my life when the pandemic is finally cooled down enough. I smile more than I cry, and I finally feel like I can breathe for the first time in my life. There are still days when I feel like the whole world is against me, but it doesn’t take me weeks to get out of it, I manage to move forward within hours.
It is possible to find happiness, and I would like to help others find this as well, in my own unique way.
Update: 03. April 2025
It has been 4 Years since my last update, and I am so grateful and in love with the 26-year-old Sarah, who wrote that text. It did get better. It got so much better. I am still single, I do not own the café anymore, but I am working on being self-employed again. I have a job that I enjoy and a boss who is amazing. I have met so many amazing people. I have learned a lot about myself, and I have become more and more the person that I have wanted to become. Thank you for being the beginning and for taking those steps. I would not be here without you, and I will always cherish the sacrifices that you made. You did not know how amazing you are, but I know it now and I will carry that into the future with me, for you.
Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing 