Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hello,

So I have to admit that my communication style doesn’t always land the way I’d like it to. I seem to collide with people and sometimes that seems to agitate them. So I had to find out why. I wasn’t happy with the explanation that people just communicate differently.

For me, communication is what we show from the inside, whether it’s verbal or non-verbal. Our communication reflects who we are. For me, communication has to do with boundaries, because boundaries are who we are. The way we set boundaries, the way we enforce them, and where we set them says so much about how much we love ourselves, how much we are willing to put up with, how much we trust in ourselves to be okay, and how safe we feel with ourselves.

So I had to think about boundaries. At first, I didn’t realise that boundaries are an indicator for me about what a person thinks about themselves. I just knew that my boundaries clashed with most people and that this showed itself in how I talk to people and how they talk to me.

So the question is: What do hula-hoops, castles, and fences have to do with this?

It’s quite simple… There are 3 different types of boundaries.

Porous/Diffuse/Soft Boundaries – Hula-Hoops
Rigid/Strict Boundaries – Castles
Healthy/Flexible Boundaries – Fences

So why would I describe Porous/Diffuse/Soft Boundaries as Hula-Hoops? It’s quite simple really. When I think about people who are able to adapt to their surroundings and be able to get along with a lot of people, I see them as having a small circle around them that serves as boundaries. They are able to move this circle to make space for others, and they are able to adapt to every situation. They also have to keep their emotions close. (Emotions will be represented by sheep.) They have to keep their sheep on a leash so that they do not run away and hurt people or get in the way of others. They also rely on others to take care of their sheep in case they do run away. Because the sheep are always on a leash, they are constantly being handled, and these types of people always have to talk in a way so as not to agitate the other person’s sheep.

Hula-hoop people live in a shared space. Everything they do belongs to everyone, because there are no walls or fences to guard that space or show that it belongs to someone. This means that if a hula-hoop person builds something, then this automatically belongs to everyone.

This can be agitating but it can also be freeing, because it also means that you are never alone. You can be alone if you choose to be and find a place for yourself, but you are free to move to other people when you feel the need to be with others.

The thing about this is: the boundaries may be flexible and you are able to move around freely, but you only get the space within the hula-hoop to call your own.

So why not build a castle?

In this castle you have walls so high that you are able to keep everything to yourself. You don’t have to fear others being envious and wanting to steal your plant or hurting your sheep, because they cannot see them, and when you do choose to talk to someone, then it’s through little holes within the walls. You are able to choose how you spend your time without judgement of others, and when you build something you don’t have to share it.

But… you also don’t get to talk to people when no one is around, and you might miss someone because you cannot see above your walls yourself. You don’t get much sunlight so your garden is always in the shadows. Your sheep don’t run away, but are they happy? Do they have enough space? Can you leave the fortress or would the light blind you if you try?

So maybe, the fence is a better option for some.

With the fence, you have the security that the land that you occupy truly is yours, and others can see that it belongs to someone because boundaries are set into place. At the same time, people are able to look at your garden and see how amazing it is. The sheep can run around and feel free without hurting anyone or running away.

Yeah, you’re not able to move around as much when you have fences but you are able to be flexible. They are not solid and you are able to adjust them if you have to. You are able to talk to people and see them without being defenceless. You can build a house for shelter but it’s not isolated, it’s a protection against the weather.

It’s also easier to leave your land, because you are used to the sun and light.

So how does this tie into the communication? Well… I noticed that I am a fence person (at last!) and I usually meet hula-hoop people. Maybe I don’t seem to be a fence person because people are used to boundaries looking like huge walls, or maybe I don’t communicate my boundaries well enough yet… I’ll have to figure that out. Either way: People see me and want to talk to me and for one reason or another, don’t realise that there is a fence. So when I talk to them, they are surprised and don’t know what to do. Some try to get me to remove the fence, so that they can move across my land without restrictions, and others try to put their sheep onto my land to let them move around freely. Both are not okay.

So the question is, how do I resolve that? And the honest answer is: I don’t know yet. But I have at least figured out why it comes to conflict, and that is a very useful first step.

I guess the last question to answer is, what does my fence look like?

For me, my fence has 4 sides: one for respect, one for honesty, one for transparency, and one for consistency. It gives people the freedom to be themselves, while also giving me the safety of knowing who that person is and being able to trust them and me.

I feel like people always think that boundaries are for other people, and I get why it might feel like that. The problem is: when you build a fence around another person, then you are forcing them into your space and giving them your land.

I learned that boundaries are for me. It is a fence that I build around myself to keep people out, and if someone breaks that fence, then I have to repair it. If people keep breaking my fence, then maybe it’s time to move the fence. It’s easier to rebuild in another spot than trying to teach people that they cannot break the fence.

So basically: If someone doesn’t respect your wishes and your feelings, then you cannot make them. You have to remove yourself out of the situation if you can. Boundaries are not rules for other people. They are consequences that you enforce for yourself if someone disrespects you.

My most powerful consequence (one that has always been successful) is taking myself away. People know when you are there and when you’re gone. And even if you don’t believe that it makes a difference and it hurts you more than them, it more often than not truly does make a difference to the other person, and in the long run, it actually is more beneficial to you to remove yourself than to stay in an environment that is actively hurting you.

I truly hope that this makes sense to people because to me, this makes perfect sense.

Lots of love,

Me