Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey you,

I had an interesting experience today. I went for a walk and during this walk I felt anxious and a bit empty. I was literally walking back home when I had the thought: “I feel like I did when I was depressed. I feel empty.” But as soon as I walked through the front door I felt okay. It was like relief washed over me and suddenly I wasn’t depressed anymore. I wasn’t anxious, and I was happy.

I think I’ve created a space where I know I am completely safe. A space where I don’t allow myself to be hurt. I know that when I am here I’m allowed to just be, and I get to decide who is allowed in. This space is completely my own.

Maybe that’s why I feel anxious and depressed in other spaces because they don’t feel like mine. They feel like places where I either have to hide who I am, or where anyone can enter, so I never feel truly safe.

So how do I change that? How can I feel outside the way I feel within my own home?

How do I feel at home? I feel like I have a say here, like the walls are my boundaries and they protect me. The difference is: I don’t have to do anything to uphold those boundaries because people just naturally respect them. I also feel like I’m not being judged in my own home, because the only person here is me.

So basically… I have to make my boundaries so strong and visible that people respect them naturally. And I have to stop caring about what other people might think of me.

Sounds easy… but I have no idea where to even start.

Maybe I’ve already started? Maybe I just need to wait and let myself grow?

I have grown since I started this journey, and I’ve planted seeds for exactly these things. So maybe I just need to trust myself enough to know that I’ll get there, instead of trying to force myself.

I’m basically still a child learning these skills. I can’t expect myself to be able to do this without practice. And honestly, I haven’t given myself much practice, because I don’t go out much.

So maybe I don’t need to “work on myself” by becoming better, but instead allow myself to grow by putting myself in situations that challenge me.

I have to admit, I kinda hate this… I also hate myself for being so understanding and rational about it. I sort of miss the days when I would just spiral, go to extremes, and be overly emotional. It was easier in a way, because then I didn’t actually have to do anything. I could just be emotional.

But I’m past that point now… at least in this aspect. So I have to become active.

I’m proud of myself while also hating it… but even that hate isn’t enough to stop me from wanting to grow. So I’ll just have to get on with it and start small. Maybe those little walks can be the start. Walks where I’m seen by people without having to interact.

It’s at least worth a try.

I get why people sometimes become angry with me when I don’t react how they want me to… it must be infuriating to have someone stay calm when all you want to do is explode. Honestly, I wish I was emotional enough right now to explode… maybe that’ll come with time. We’ll see.

Good luck,
Me