Sarah Smith’s Path to Healing

Hey me,

I think I haven’t really wanted to write here because I didn’t feel like I had anything to share. I didn’t have anything that made me feel confused or extremely happy. I didn’t have anything that felt like a success. And when I did have moments like that, then I wanted to share them with the people in my life.

It kinda hurts to know that I don’t need you anymore, or at least that I don’t want to share those happy moments with you, because this is what has brought me to this point. I feel like I am, in a way, neglecting me… but it feels like I am neglecting you. So who are you?

You feel like sadness… longing… grief and hope.

I feel like you are related to the situation I am in right now.

So how do you relate?

Are you scared? Are you confused? Are you hoping?

All of it and you are grieving that I am able to have those situations now and you never got them.

I would like to call you the lover within me.
The part that was made to love and be loved but never really got the chance to. Never got the chance to truly love or to be truly loved. The part that learned to lick love off a sharp knife because it was never served on a spoon.

The part that always hoped and never achieved.
The part that was always longing but never reached.

I think it may be your turn now to be healed… I truly hope it is.

The situation we are in right now would make sense for that… and I have to be honest: it scares the hell out of me. What if it just seems to be healthy and nice? What if it just seems to be safe? What if it turns out to be the same as always?

What if it turns out to be the same situation that it always has been? What if I actually let myself feel vulnerable and safe and it turns out that the person just wanted my body again?

What if I actually believe they could love me for who I am and then it turns out that they just wanted to fill their own need again?

What if I choose to truly let every guard down that I have just to be taken advantage of again?

What if I am betrayed again?

I truly don’t want to deal with that again. I don’t want to give up the happiness that I have found and built for myself. I don’t want to risk getting hurt because I have only just found this. I have only just reached this place. I don’t want to risk getting close to someone only to find out that I have been wrong about them again.

I don’t want to learn a lesson there right now. I don’t want to risk getting hurt and putting up high, unreachable walls with the people I have learned to trust.

I don’t want to risk getting romantically involved with someone right now because I don’t trust myself to be OK if it turns out that he lied. I don’t trust myself to be OK if it turns out that he used me. I don’t trust myself to be OK if it turns out that he just tolerated me, or even settled for me.

I want to believe those beautiful words I heard. I want to believe them and never find out if they are actually true. Because if it turns out that they are a lie, then I honestly don’t know if I would recover from that right now.

I know that one day I would be fine, but I am not brave enough right now to risk it.

Right now, I would rather live in the illusion I have created than find out if it’s true.

The thing is: I know that I will have to find out one day if it’s true or not, and I know that building on a lie isn’t permanent or durable.

But right now… I want to believe the reality that I have created. I want to believe it.

I honestly just want to stay here for a while before I have to be brave.

I am just realising how bad it must have been in the past for me to want the illusion over the truth… especially knowing that I always prefer truth to illusion or lies.

I am truly sorry that you have been hurt so badly that you can’t trust me enough to know that you will be OK.

I respect your wishes, and I will leave you in this illusion as long as it does not harm you.

Just please promise me that you won’t fall back into your old pattern. Don’t test it. Please just respect my boundaries. I really want to try a different path this time… we have tried your path a lot of times and it has ended the same way every time, so this time please let me decide how to handle it.

I am truly only trying to do the best for you. I promise.

Lots of love,
Me